Agent Mulder Call Your Office

You know, we never really thought about the importance of good community mental health care until President Obama was elected. Well, even then it didn't come to us right away. At first we thought all of the birthers and tenthers and Becksters and all those other people who never learned to spell were just the Bubbas having a hissy because those crazy Yankees had gone and elected them a negro and put him right up there in the White House, eating off the good china and sleeping in the big bed.

Then we began to notice  odd things occurring around the nation in areas that didn't have anything to do with Nazi communists in Washington or government take over of medicare. We began to read about state legislators, local government representatives, or just public figures doing things and saying things you would think would not be said by people in public positions who have to work to convince voters they are skilled professionals, worthy of their fellow citizens' trust. It became harder and harder for us to brush this off as good old all American sour grapes racism.

Then yesterday this plopped out of the inter toobz and landed loogie-like on our desk and suddenly it became crystal clear to us that a great many people in this country are in real need of psychological counseling, perhaps prolonged therapy with pharmaceutical assistance, or even institutionalization, and we don't me in state legislatures where they seem to be congregating now, but in managed living facilities overseen by competent mental health professionals.

Seriously. How else can you explain:

Georgians worried about having miniature computer circuits inserted into their bodies without their consent can rest a little easier now that their state lawmakers have taken action. The state Senate voted overwhelmingly for legislation that would prohibit involuntary implantation of microchips in any body part.

 Now, around the marbled halls of IM Central we pride ourselves on taking the weird and making it weirder, but frankly folks, we have no idea how to respond to that.

“By passing this bill, we are sending the message that Georgia is committed to upholding its citizens’ constitutional rights and protection of their person,” the bill's author, Sen. Chip Pearson (R-Dawsonville), said in a written statement. He said technology is moving fast and “we must be careful that it doesn’t come at the harm of citizens. The benefits of a microchip that can be internally implanted are also available in many external forms.”

 Is it possible this guy was just at his Vet and was asked if he wanted his dog micro-chipped and he just misunderstood? And what are the benefits of microchips either implanted, or in many external forms? Is this guy related to Glenn Reynolds?

Three states have instituted bans, and others have considered the legislation. In Virginia, a bill supporter declared microchips to be the “666″ mark of the beast referred to in the Book of Revelation.

 OK, so old Ned has a contract with Intel, is that what you're saying? Who's going to check the specs for this chip, Verrine? Hate to be in that meeting if the powerpoint sucks. But why all the fuss about microchips? Shouldn't you be passing laws about the homos getting married, or making sure the government's health care take over doesn't cover the people in your state, or something important like that?

The Internet is awash with rumors about the government inserting microchips into people's heads without their consent or knowledge.

Oh. Well, if it's on the internet it's got to be important. Still, do you actually know anyone who's been implanted?

At the House hearing, state Rep. Ed Setzler (R-Kennesaw), who is shouldering the legislation in the House, spoke earnestly for better than a half hour on microchips as a literal invasion of privacy.He was followed by a hefty woman who described herself as a resident of DeKalb County.

 Now, for our friends who may not be familiar with how people in Dixie describe things, when a southern lady is referred to as "hefty" that probably means they had to bring her in on a flat bed truck.

“I’m also one of the people in Georgia who has a microchip,” the woman said. She spoke of the “right to work without being tortured by co-workers who are activating these microchips by using their cell phones and other electronic devices.”

Wait. We thought it was the government doing this. Maybe this lady just needs to quit falling asleep in the breakroom.

She continued. “Microchips are like little beepers. Just imagine, if you will, having a beeper in...

Uh oh. Please don't go there ma'am...

...your rectum or genital area, the most sensitive area of your body. And your beeper numbers displayed on billboards throughout the city. All done without your permission,” she said.

Sweet Jebus on whole wheat toast! Somebody left the door to Ward Six unlocked again. OK, legislators, let's thank her for her time, nod, smile and get the heck out of here before she starts talking about anal probes.

“Ma’am, did you say you have a microchip?” asked state Rep. Tom Weldon (R-Ringgold).

Crap Weldon, don't encourage her! Somebody call security before she...

“Yes, I do. This microchip was put in my vaginal-rectum area,” she replied. Setzler, the sponsoring lawmaker, sat next to the witness – his head bowed.

Oh, lord. And this is a public hearing so there will be a record. Setzer, the next time somebody asks you to find a witness we want you to shoot them on the spot.

“You’re saying this was involuntary?” Weldon continued.

No, it was a door prize at a Tupperware party you idiot. Will somebody please tell this woman the people from the home are here.

Wendell Willard (R-Atlanta), chairman of the House Judiciary Committee, picked up the questioning.

Oh. Come. On. What do you guys do in your spare time, drive around looking for car wrecks to gawk at?

“Who implanted this in you?” he asked.
“Researchers with the federal government,” she said.
“And who in the federal government implanted it?” Willard asked.
“The Department of Defense.”
“Thank you, ma’am.”
The woman was allowed to go about her business

Go about her business? That woman has no business. She's a loon, folks. A beer short of a six pack, a brick short of a load, a couple of eggs shy of a dozen, a sandwich short of a picnic, a few feathers short of a whole duck.  She doesn't have all her cornflakes in one box, doesn't have all the dots on her dice. Is any of this getting through? You don't craft legislation suggested by a crazy person.

The House Judiciary Committee approved passage of SB 235.

OK we take that back, but we feel obligated to ask what the country is coming to when Orly Taitz is the sane one.