In Which Ironicus Counsels The Pope

Hey, let's go see what St Peter's boys have been up to recently. That wacky bunch o' Gregorian chantin', Prada wearin' Mel Gibson wannabes--you never know what hilarity will ensue when they set out to explain why stuff that would get you or us sent to jail until the big JC returns is, for them, just a bit of an internal dust-up if you will--and you must 'cause they're all about god and things, you know? Don't go talking about that crime and punishment stuff with them. They know Latin, which is god's native language, and besides, there's no way you're going to start putting guys in prison who aren't afraid to go out in public wearing the drapes.

So, when last we visited The One True Church And Don't You Forget It World Headquarters--or as we like to call it Zona Crepusculi--the gang was puzzling over the deep theological ramifications of having a priesthood full of pervs.  Now, since these guys are like, holy and stuff, we would imagine this occasioned no small amount of praying for--oh stuff like guidance, wisdom, better lawyers and whatnot.

Well, it looks like the Canis Magnum was listening because they've gone and figured it out.

The Vatican issued a new set of norms to respond to the worldwide clerical abuse scandal, cracking down on priests who rape and molest minors and the mentally disabled. The norms extend from 10 to 20 years the statute of limitations on priestly abuse and also codify for the first time that possessing or distributing child pornography is a canonical crime.

 Yeah, umm...we're not theologians or anything, but we think we might be able to simplify this for you a bit. See, when crimes are committed out here in the non-dead language speaking segment of the world we have this little procedure we follow which most people simply refer to as Calling The Police.

But the document made no mention of the need for bishops to report abuse to police and doesn't include any "one-strike and you're out" policy as demanded by some victims' groups.

 OK you're not grasping the concept here which is pretty odd considering how much time you spend telling other people what they can and can't get away with. Let's see if we can break it down for you. Out here in the part of the world that has to work for a living we have these things called laws which are sort of like your Ten Commandments except that no one really covets their neighbor's slave, ox or donkey anymore.

Now,, as you are fond of telling people, when someone breaks a commandment sky daddy is all like, "Well all righty then little miscreant. Go ahead and have your fun now...but when you croak expect the holy rod of righteousness to come upside your head. Forever." Which is totally passive aggressive if you ask us. That's not our point, but we believe it is the source of your confusion.

See, your shtick is all "Sin now, pay later," but out here in the part of the world that is...well...the world, we're all "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."  Which brings us back to our original  point: When you catch a priest doinking the altar boys, no need for deep theological introspection and meditation, just remember these three easy steps: Call. The. Police.

We hope this clears up any confusion over the matter. We know you really are good people who want to do good and are good at heart. Further, we can all agree there there is nothing worse than someone who abuses his position of trust to take advantage of innocent children, right?

The document also listed the attempted ordination of a woman as a "grave crime" to be handled by the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, just as sex abuse is.

Sweet Snowbillie Jebus on cross country skis. You know what? You need to find those guys, those monk guys, the ones who took a vow of silence. Put them in charge.