Does This Mean No More Lives Of The Saints Trading Cards?

Last week we told you about poor Mr. Ted Alvin Klaudt and his attempt to earn a little extra scratch for the holidays while repaying his debt to society by copyrighting his name.

And you laughed and laughed and laughed.

Well, who's laughing now, heathen?

The vatican office of rendering unto Caesar made a declaration on the protection of the figure of the pope. The statement seeks to commodify and profit from the name, image and any symbols of the pope as being expressly for official use of the Holy See unless otherwise purchased. When asked why the pope needed such protection when he was the personal representative of god on earth a vatican spokesman replied, "God doesn't pay licensing fees."

The statement cited a "great increase of pagan silliness against the person of the Holy Father" in recent years as contributing to a desire to use the Pontiff's name for all manner of secular jocularity. "These people are cleaning up with pope bobbleheads and 'The pope's my homey' t-shirts," said one bishop who asked not to be named. "We just want a cut of the action. We got bills you know."

Due to this demand, the vatican has felt it necessary to declare that "it alone has the right to collect the filthy luchre for a guy who is usually seen in public wearing the drapes and a hat that would look better on a rodeo clown, and therefore, to protect the figure and personal identity of the pope from the unauthorized use of his name and/or the papal coat of arms for ends and activities which have little or nothing to do with the Catholic Church unless there's a little sumpin sumpin for us know what we're saying?"

The declaration alludes to attempts to use ecclesiastical or pontifical symbols and logos to "attribute magical powers to initiatives" as another reason to establish their “copyright” on the Holy Father's name, picture and coat of arms. "Papal condoms? Come on," said one priest visiting St. Peters. "Although we did seriously consider the Holy Mary Mother of God Water Fun Park."

"Consequently, the use of anything referring directly to the person or office of the Supreme Pontiff... and/or the use of the title 'Pontifical,' must receive previous and express authorization from the Holy See," said Cardinal Guido No Pants Belladucci, head of the vatican collections enforcement office.