Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dog Is God Spelled Backwards. Coincidence? Better Be (Now With Update!)

Normally we don't like to agree with people who were born with a broomstick up their heinie, however, in this case, given the theological ramifications of the event, we feel obligated to concur with the reaction of the offended parishioner, a Mrs. Pissantonia Q. Buttinski we believe was her name.
St. Peter’s Anglican Church has long been known as an open and inclusive place.
So open, it seems, they won’t turn anyone away. Not even a dog. That’s how a blessed canine ended up receiving communion from interim priest Rev. Marguerite Rea during a morning service the last Sunday in June.
See, as current non-practicing catholics who have non-practiced  to the point where we just don't give a  dry fart we have to say Pissantonia has a point. You see there are two extremely fundamental and complex theological issues here that the Reverend Rea has chosen to ignore.

Well, three if you count that fact that she's a women doing a priest's job. What's up with that? Anglicans! Another cult, right Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey?

Anyway, as any catholic worth his or her scapula will tell you, dogs don't have souls which means, in the church hierarchy they're even lower than well...Lutherans. But don't take our word for it, let's consult an expert, Doctor Richard Geraghty, who has a PhD in...um...something, we're not really clear on that, but no matter, the dude knows his souls
One principle is that all living things have a soul. Here soul is defined as what makes an organic body live. Now when any living thing dies, its soul is separated from its body. In the case of plants and animals the soul goes out of existence.
 Boom. And ipso facto, dominus vobiscumm, e pluibus unum  there you have it. No soul, no heaven. Sort of like Jews, but we digress. Need more proof? Take it away Dr. Geraghty, PhD sir:
But in the case of man, the soul remains in existence because it is a spiritual or immaterial thing. Consequently, it differs from the souls of animals in two important respects. First, it is the seat of intelligence or reason.  For this reason a man is held responsible for his actions in a way that animals are not. Secondly, the soul is immortal.
 Can't argue with the logic. People souls: spiritual and immaterial. Dog souls: some sort of recycled plastic we believe. Also, "the soul is immortal." So congregants, the lesson is the soul is immortal. Except when it's not. Now, if that's confusing to you it's because you don't have a PhD like Doctor Richard Geraghty...PhD. Also, since man has "intelligence or reason" he gets to pick which immortal souls are immortal so if he had picked dogs' souls over his, that would sort of be the definition of lack of "intelligence or reasoning" what?

Which brings us to the next theological issue, since dogs don't  have a soul god can work with, what happens to old whole wheat Jebus if he gets dropped on the tongue of canis familiaris?Frankly we don't know what sex the aforementioned quadrupedal parishioner is, but if he was a male...well, would you want to drop the sweet, sweet unleavened savior on a tongue that been licking its own balls?

It's obviously something Pissantonia didn't want to contemplate.

Update:  The boss went home early today so rather then spend the rest of the afternoon playing Evony we did a little checking into Doctor Richard Geraghty's graduate studies in the Soul. Is you is, or is you ain't immortal department. Here's what we found:

Dr. Richard Geraghty is professor of philosophy at St. Joseph’s House of Pancakes Studies, the college-level facility of the Franciscan Missionaries of the Eternal Word and Carwash, at EWTN. Prior to coming to EWTN, Dr. Geraghty taught philosophy for 18 years at the University of Dayton, Providence College, and St. John’s College Seminary. Student who took Dr. Geraghty's class remembered him as one of their teachers. Dr. Geraghty earned his BA in philosophy at the University of Dayton, an MA in English from Ohio State University, and his MA and PhD in philosophy from the University of Toronto.  By then the war was over and the draft had ended. His thesis was entitled "The Object of Moral Philosophy According to St. Thomas Aquinas."

And what is  The Object of Moral Philosophy According to St. Thomas Aquinas Dr. Geraghty? Making sure no one has to worry about stepping in a pile of dog poop while walking the golden streets of heaven, my son.

Yeah. Wonder what St Francis of Assisi thinks of old Tommy's idea.


scripto said...

"Anyway, as any catholic worth his or her scapula will tell you, dogs don't have souls..."

But they do have tongues and they are obedient. That should be good enough.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Kind of makes you wonder about that whole Domini Cani thingy doesn't it?