Friday Hound Blogging

Oh overlords, you scamps! You rascals! We take a couple weeks off to organize our Stoli inventory and you go out and make all sorts of mischief. It's almost like you were waiting for our backs to be turned so you could go nuclear with herp, derp and D'oh. On the other hand, nuclear herp, derp and D'oh is kind of your default setting, so maybe these last couple of weeks haven't been that different. Whatever. Let's sample some of the offerings on the overlord buffet.

First up, everyone's favorite sinkhole of despair and futility, Tucson Deathcamp for Greyhounds. Stop us if you've heard this one before (and if you haven't you must have just teleported in from Ishanna V).

Tucson - It may be the worst financial news yet for Tucson Greyhound Park. The News 4 Tucson Investigators have obtained the latest financial investigation report on TGP. It says the track net's loss in 2013 was $544,000. The audit was conducted by a private firm and was part of the track's license renewal process. Other key audit findings:

-TGP did not produce a profit in the last five years
-The track does not have sufficient current assets to meet its current liabilities
-TGP cannot sustain future viability if its Florida owners don't put more money into it

 In other news, duh. TGP is to losing money as ducks are to wet feet, Kim Kardashian is to cameras and the Cubs are to last place. On a personal note, that last example pains up deeply. As young Ironici we spent many a bright and happy afternoon within the friendly confines of Wrigley Field. You should know though, that being a Cubs fan isn't about winning (in other news, duh) it's about...well, it's the Cubs man, our Cubbies. That and the futile struggle for success against insurmountable obstacles and overwhelming forces deployed against you. (Plus, no bullpen)

Where were we? Oh yeah, the heartless exploitation of innocent living creatures for (no) profit is a travesty whose time has passed and needs to be consigned to the trash heap of history along with stocks in the town square, bleeding sick people and reading goat entrails. Everybody knows that. Oops, maybe not.

Rather than openly push for the expansion of gambling, many of those behind this effort have pushed for the elimination of live greyhound racing at greyhound racetracks in the name of "dog safety." The real goal is to operate the tracks as mini-casinos with slot machines despite the fact that the tracks were approved only for operation as greyhound racing facilities.

OMG! OMG! CONSPIRACY!  Break out the tinfoil headgear! Somebody call Agent Mulder! It's pretty obvious the the Illuminati are behind this somewhere because as the author of the piece, Mr. Jeff Kottkamp, who was Florida's 17th lieutenant governor (which he said) and lobbyist for the Florida Greyhound Association (which he didn't say)  points out, saying this is all about "dog safety" is pretty much a transparent ruse because it's pretty obvious when it comes to things that are important, "dog safety" is right up there with making sure the kennels are clean and well maintained, the track is attractive and free of unsightly distractions, and the crowds are welcomed.  So if it's not about "dog safety" what is it about? Well, to answer a question like that we're going to need someone with an astute sense of business, entrepreneurial talent and  a nose for profit. Someone like Milton McGregor.

As people nationwide bet less and less money on greyhound races, dog tracks around the country are having to find other ways to cope with that falling revenue. But in Alabama, Birmingham Race Course owner Milton McGregor says his course is at a disadvantage when competing for gambling dollars.

Ha! there it is. The greyhound exploitation industry is being unfairly hobbled in the free market. Nefarious forces are aligned against the overlords and something must be done to allow them to compete on a fair and level field. But what could that be Mr. McGregor? 

"The people in other states who I've talked to are absolutely amazed and dumbfounded that our state government hasn't done something in terms of allowing other forms of gaming for the tracks in Alabama," McGregor, the majority owner of the Jefferson County Racing Association, which operates the course, said.

Of course. It's Occam's razor. The best solution is the simplest. So to save greyhound racing we must allow people to bet on something other than greyhound racing. It's so clear now. Thank you , Mr. McGregor for your trenchant analysis.

Oh, and one last thing before we get back to our Stoli inventory--for those of you who may be seeking employment:

The Iowa Greyhound Association is soliciting resumes for a person to help coordinate greyhound racing in Dubuque next year.

Qualifications will include lack of empathy, low self esteem and inability to read the writing on the wall. Experience as a sociopath a plus. Criminal background check is required, but don't worry, we'll take what we can get.

Hmmm. What do you think Gent? We know you're retired, but do you have any friends looking for work?

I love everybody I meet. I am laid back and not afraid of anything. I will come when you call me. I am housebroken. I love dogs of all sizes. I have not met any kitties but since I love small dogs, I think I would like kitties too. I walk great on my leash. I can go up and down the stairs but I am still a little clumsy so I need a little work. I love to throw my toys up in the air and chase them around the house.
For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here and here.

Oklahoma! Motto: Pew Pew Pewpewpew, KaBOOM!

We have to admit to a certain fondness for the militias. Probably hearkens back to our days as little Ironici and the enjoyment we found in a rousing game of Army. Sometimes Marines, but mostly Army as we hadn't learned to swear quite well enough to handle the role of Gunney. Don't quite remember who the enemy was, maybe Germans, or Japs, or White Sox Fans, we're kind of fuzzy on the details, but those long, lazy summer afternoons spent slithering through the underbrush in the local park, then bursting up to charge the enemy pillbox all the while supplying our own sound effects will always remain a treasured memory. Plus we were great at dying. Break your heart to see us go down. "Gasp. Wheeze. You guys take that hill for me will ya? Grimace. Tell Lucy not to forget me. Wheeze. Cough. Sigh."

So all this is by way of saying that we have an understanding of  the attraction of militias, and feel we can sympathize with why a young, undereducated unemployed person would be unwilling to leave those carefree days of chasing Nazis, Imperialist Asian hordes, or American League fans out of the neighborhood. That being said, we need to tell you that we still don't quite understand what's going on in Oklahoma. 

Frustrated by the fact that they can only attract crazy people, tea party leaders and some mentally handicapped members of the Oklahoma Legislature say they would like to create a new volunteer militia to help defend against what they believe are improper federal infringements on state sovereignty. "We've already designed the uniform," said Al Gerhart of Oklahoma City, who heads an umbrella group of tea party factions called the Oklahoma Constitutional Alliance. "It's really cool too. My mom knows how to sew and she said she'd make one for me."

Tea party movement leaders say they've discussed the idea with several unmedicated lawmakers and hope to get legislation next year to recognize a new volunteer force. They say the unit would not resemble militia groups that have been raided for allegedly plotting attacks on law enforcement officers. "Well, unless they try to enforce a federal mandate, say like the Head Start program," said one tea party leader who asked not to be named. "Then all bets are off."


Thus far, the discussions have been sporadic, particularity after Gerhart forgot to take out the garbage and was not allowed to come back outside after dinner. Even the proponents say they don't know how an armed force would be organized nor how a state-based militia could block federal mandates. "We considered taking a copy of the Health Care Bill out back and shooting it," Gerhart told reporters," But mostly we'll probably just wear our uniforms a lot."

Critics also asserted that the force could inflame extremism, and that the National Guard already provides for the state's military needs."Yeah, but you got to pass a test to get into the Guard," said one prospective militia volunteer.

The militia talks reflect the frustration of some grass roots groups seeking new ways of fighting recent federal initiatives, such as the health reform plan, which requires all citizens to have health insurance. "The government just wants to keep you alive longer so you'll pay more taxes," said one tea party leader. "Besides, why can't people just get the Medicare like I did? Nice feller down at the Social Security office told me about it after I hurt my back and had to quit work."

State Sen. Randy Brogdon, R-Clozapine, a Republican candidate for governor who has appealed for tea party support because most people who can read have come out against his candidacy, said supporters of a state militia have talked to him because he's the only one that will listen, and that he believes the citizen unit would be authorized under the Second Amendment to the Constitution."That's the gun one, right?" Brogdon asked.


Tea party leader J.W. Berry of the Tulsa-based OKforTea began soliciting interest in a state militia through his newsletter under the subject Buy more guns, more bullets. "It's not a far-right crazy plan or anything like that," Berry said. "This would be done with the full cooperation of the state Legislature."

Oh. Well, as long as the legislature is involved we're sure it's fine.

And If Everybody Jumped Off A Bridge, Would You Do That Too?

When we were little Ironici, like many children, we often emulated the behaviors of adults around us. This usually involved harmless acts of imitation like wearing the old man's shoes, or his hat, or drinking his whiskey.

OK that one taught us an important lesson about the relationship between body mass and alcohol intake.

Anyway, most of these episodes would result in happy clucking from the gathered adults and repetitions of the phrase "Monkey See Monkey Do." Which brings us to today's report from the the administration of president Bush (known to his friends as Captain: )

The arrest on theft charges of Claude Allen, a former top Bush adviser and previously the most senior African American on the White House staff, was an apparent attempt to show solidarity with the Republican party and president Bush in particular.

"Look, everyone else is in trouble with the law," Allen told reporters outside of the police station. "I felt it was my duty as a good Republican to do something illegal."

Police said Allen had swindled department stores out of more than $5,000 in refunds. "Yeah, it's no Halliburton, and I'm not up there with Abramoff, but I did the best I could," Allen said.

"Well, that explains all those times we caught him going through the clothes donation bin," said the Reverend Joshua Harris, pastor at the Covenant Life Church in Gaithersburg, where Allen and his family are members.

Through his lawyer, Allen denied the charges, saying that there was a mix-up concerning his credit card. "The mix up was I used my own credit card instead of someone else's."

Bush said on Saturday that he was saddened by the charges against Allen. He said the information in those charges was different from the account that Allen had given to the White House staff. "He told us he was sure he could get away with it," the president said.

A longtime conservative, Allen started his career working for Jesse Helms, the former Republican senator from North Carolina. "That should have been a clue," said White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card. "But how many times does a token walk through your door and say 'I'm clueless, but I want to work for the Republican party'? We couldn't pass it up."

A former deputy secretary in the Department of Health and Human Services, Allen was nominated in 2003 to a federal appeals court seat, but Senate Democrats blocked him. "Did you see that guy's rap sheet?" said Senator Patrick Leahy, ranking Democrat on the Judiciary Committee. "It was longer than some of the people who would have come before him."

He was appointed the president's top domestic policy adviser last year at the start of Bush's second term. In February, Allen resigned abruptly, citing a desire to spend more time looking for a good lawyer.