Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Or It Could Just Mean They Want To Talk You To Death

We're coming to you today from the Department of Lexical Precision here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoLP is a division of the Noah Webster Slept Here Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of The King's English, NA.

Now, generally we refrain from commenting on christians' interpretive skills, assuming that anyone who can get a consistent story out of a book that contradicts itself on the most fundamental tenets of its belief system has got to be operating with some...erm...deficiencies. We usually let it pass without mentioning that it's pretty danged convenient how god always seems to want them to hate people they don't like anyway, except when those people happen to be the people you're supposed to send your money to and in fact it's even more important that you send your money to these people so the fight against secular humanism and situational ethics can continue to be fought. We're not monkeys. Also. Too.

Still, we find this latest little bit of linguistic prestidigitation to be a bit over the line though, even for those so logically challenged they think sending their money to a guy who has a private jet and tells them that's the way god wants them to get rich is a good idea. Dude. The guys' name is Creflo DOLLAR!! Hello??!? Is any of this getting through?

Well, back to our story. It seems god doesn't want to let any act of tolerance go unpunished (see second paragraph) and so in response to The Day of Silence, an event organized to protest the bullying and harassment faced by gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered students all over America, a Day of Truth was created "to counter the promotion of the homosexual agenda and express an opposing viewpoint from a Christian perspective." OK, so the the "truth" is bullies and harassers are doing god's work? Also, didn't know tolerance was just a part of the homosexual agenda, what with Jesus saying love one another and all. Wait. Jesus never married. Hung around with a bunch of guys, didn't like sports. Yeah. Certainly explains Pastor Giles.

But the "truth" will set you free and it did just that for a lot of gay kids. Set them right free from their lives that is, and maybe god got a little tired of all those little heathens showing up at the pearly gates because they'd been truthed right into killing themselves, so he told his homies to back off.

Apparently James Dobson (yes that James Dobson) didn't get the memo though because he picked up the day and changed it's name to Day of Dialogue. "We're trying to raise awareness that more than one side needs to be heard on the issue of homosexuality, and we're helping to ensure Christian students have the chance to listen to our viewpoint that queers are icky and the really manly thing to do it beat the snot out of them every chance you get," Focus on the Family education analyst Candi Cushman said in a news release."But only with the utmost christian love in your heart," she added.

OK so is this how "Dialogue" goes?

Icky queer: "Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, fairness and tolerance regardless of their ethnic background, religion, sexual preference, or gender." 

Dialoguing Christian: Die icky queer, die. Burn in hell and take your homosexual agenda with you."

Hmm...It occurs to us that this is not exactly Platonic in its construct. 

Gary Schneeberger, Vice President of Communications for Focus on the Family stressed that Focus on the Family has a "100% zero tolerance for bullying" over sexual orientation or anything else. He said The Day of Dialogue aims to "ensure that Christian students feel comfortable having the opportunity to bring our view of god's design for sexuality. Well, except that we don't want christian kids feeling comfortable about sex and especially not talking about sex. Don't ask, don't tell, that's our position."

Yeah, and if your definition of bullying is anything like your definition of dialogue the gay kids will keep being "dialogued" right into the emergency room. And that's the truth.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging (Saturday Edition)

Oops. Heh heh, well look at the time will you? Seems like only yesterday it was Friday. Oh wait, it was Friday yesterday. And where was Friday Hound Blogging you ask? Good question. Wish we had a good answer, but hey, FHB Saturday Edition is one of the time honored traditions here in the marbled halls of IM Central which means we used it as an excuse the last time we failed at the one singular attempt by this blog to have even the slightest scintilla of socially redeeming value.

But enough about us. You're here because your brother in law isn't back from the beer run yet...er...we mean because if you have to hear Uncle Bill tell the story about how he saw Angelina Jolie in the airport one more time you're going to stick your head in the oven...no? Well, no matter. You think you're having a bad day? Try being one of the overlords.  All over the country laws are being passed that, if one were so inclined, one might assume meant that no one wanted the overlords around anymore. Take Tucson for example.
In 2008, the voters of South Tucson passed a measure aimed at improving the treatment of greyhounds at the track. Among other things, the Tucson Dog Protection Act forbids the dosing of female greyhounds with anabolic steroids, which contain hormones to keep them from going into heat.
Whoa. Now that's a pretty forward looking ordinance. The good people of Tucson are on to you overlords. Going to have to clean up your act or the civil authorities will just cold shut your animal exploiting buttocks down.
For nearly two years, the track has been breaking the law. And for at least one of those years, South Tucson city officials have known this, and have done nothing about it.
Boo Ya! How you like us now Mr. We Care About The Dogs Like They Were Family Except When We Kill Them For Being Slow? Not so much fun to abuse living creatures now is it? Not when you got John Law camped out on your doorstep. Not when...wait. Say that again.
For nearly two years, the track has been breaking the law. And for at least one of those years, South Tucson city officials have known this, and have done nothing about it.
 Umm...are we missing something? Let's see. Voters elect city officials to administer governmental offices which includes seeing that laws and ordinances are adhered to. Voters pass ordinance that says no giving greyhounds steroids. City officials do the job they were elected by voters to do. Nope think we got it.
It now appears that track officials never intended to comply with the new law. "This letter is to inform you that I will be providing testosterone shots at Tucson Greyhound Park," Dr. Joe Robinson wrote in a Jan. 12, 2009, letter to the Arizona State Veterinary Medical Examining Board. In an interview the following October, Robinson said he had no plans to refrain from providing steroid injections. "It's licensed under the state of Arizona," he told me, "and I'm doing what I'm licensed to do."
Oh, well there's the problem. Tucson isn't in Arizona. OK, our bad.
Throughout this time, city officials have done nothing to stop the apparent flouting of the voter-approved steroid ordinance. When Robinson's actions were first uncovered by the Tucson Weekly last year, South Tucson city manager Enrique Serna cited his community's over-stretched resources as one reason for not taking action. He also questioned whether the law was actually being broken. "I'm hearing all kinds of different things legally," he said.
Yeah, well that's going to happen when you get your legal advice from the guy at the MacDonalds Drive Through.
City Manager Serna suggests that's about to change, given Robinson's defiant admissions to the veterinary board. "If, in fact, it boils down to him flagrantly violating the ordinance and administering steroids, I'll ask the city attorney to take appropriate action," Serna says.
 Uh, sir? Mr. Serna? That's already happened. We mean, dude sent a letter for chrissakes! Basically said IN YOUR FACE BITCHEZ!!What else do you want him to do? Come to your house and inject a greyhound on your porch? Man. Some people, huh Jimbo?

Jimbo is another in the growing wave of refugees coming off the tracks at the industry gasps its last. We don't know much about him except that he is four years old and raced at Ebro. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Hey, let's do some triple H. Frequent readers of this blog who remember their parents admonition to keep their noses to the grindstone are now unable to stop and smell the roses...erm...we mean remember HHH is a regular feature of this blog whenever it occurs to us, in which we take some extra time out of our busy day looking for Stoli infused turkey recipes to feature some skinny dogs looking for couches.

But first, a word from our sponsor:
Officials responding to a complaint about a putrid smell at Florida's Ebro Greyhound Park recently found the bodies of 37 dead and decomposing dogs who had apparently starved to death -- as well as five more dogs who were near death. Some of the dogs had duct tape wrapped around their necks. It appears that the owner had intentionally left the greyhounds to die when the racing season ended.
Oh, there you go again. You're going to make a big deal out of this aren't you? Look, every organization has a few bad apples. That's why we have such a strong internal policing apparatus, to make sure these are just isolated incidents.
The worst part of this story is that it's not an isolated incident.
Now just you wait a gol durned minute there you tree hugging, Birkenstock wearing animal rights wacko. You've been told how much the overlords care for the units...er...dogs. It's even been demonstrated to you using geometric logic and mathematical mathematics.  How many times and in how many ways do the overlords have to tell you that these dogs are living the life of Riley here before you believe what they say?
A few years ago, the bodies of 10,000 greyhounds were uncovered in a U.K. field. The "slow" but otherwise healthy dogs had been killed with a bolt gun.
 Oops. Heh heh. Well look, that's England. Those people haven't been right since the Revolutionary War. We mean, come on, they went to war with Argentina over an island that had more penguins than people, what do you expect? Nothing like that would ever happen over here in the good old U S of A.
After 3,000 dead greyhounds were found in a backyard pit on his property, a security guard at a Florida track admitted that he had made money for 40 years by shooting injured or aging dogs.
Oh, now hey, that's not fair. Three thousand is a lot less than 10,000. You want to make the overlords look bad don't you?
And at least 140 greyhounds were presumed dead after they disappeared while in the custody of a man who had been paid to haul "losers" to greyhound adoption groups. The dogs were never accounted for and were believed to have been left in the Arizona desert.
Well the key word there is "presumed" isn't it? See? The slightest inconsistency and you're ready to assume the worst. Besides, the industry conducted an extensive investigation into the dogs' disappearance. They asked the dude what happened. He said "Dunno. Coulda been alien abduction." There you go. Case closed.
Although they are extremely sensitive to temperature because of their lack of body fat and their thin coats, greyhounds are forced to race in extreme conditions -- ranging from subzero temperatures to sweltering heat. Trainers have been found doping greyhounds with cocaine and other drugs to mask injuries or to get them to run faster.
See now that's just some irresponsible journalism right there. Everyone knows the overlords dope themselves a lot more than they dope the dogs.
Greyhounds face many risks from which they have no defence. An employee at Connecticut's Shoreline Star track used fishing line to tie a dog's tail to the starting shoot before a race as a "joke." The dog's tail was ripped off when he began running.
Humor. It's such a personal thing isn't it? We mean, one man's belly buster is another's staring in disbelief, mouth agape.
During one three-year span, almost 500 greyhounds were seriously injured while racing on Massachusetts tracks alone.
Oh you're really grasping at straws now. Massachusetts outlawed greyhound racing months ago and you're still blaming us for that? Where does a guy go to get some fair treatment around here, huh  Sport?

Sport is very active, curious, inquisitive, affectionate, and happy. He wags his tail a lot and gives kisses to everyone, including the other dogs. He will lie on his side and give you the come hither look to get your attention. He prances when walks. Sport is living up to his name and is not a typical couch potato grey. He loves to go outside and is always ready when you ask him. Sport would do well in a working family home. He is good with well-mannered children, 5 and up and other dogs. He would probably be fine as an only dog. Because he loves to spend time outside in the yard, he would do best in a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Lions And Tigers And Mosques Oh My!

People make a lot of fun of the Tea Baggers, OK we make a lot of fun of the Tea Baggers, but as professional education technologists we're only pointing out examples of invented spelling, which is a perfectly legitimate stage in the development of linguistically competent speakers and writers. It's just that most people grow out of it by second grade. Come to think of it, that explains a lot of their political positions too.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Tea Baggers, or as they like to be called, Social Security recipients who never took a dime from the government and resent the heck outta that darkie muslin feller trying to send them off to FEMA camps without their Hoverounds. No guns. Also. Too.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. John Q Citizen you're about to laugh out the other side of your mouth now and quit laughing because while you've been out doing things like working for a living, the Tea Baggers have been manning (yeah, manning. you got a problem with that?) the watchtowers of democracy and like watch geese, like canaries in the coal mine, like rats when the ship starts to sink...OK forget that one. The point is their vigilance has paid off because they've identified the islamofascist fifth column right here in our very own United States Of America.
People behind a new church in Phoenix are trying to stay ahead of any potential controversy or hate that accompanied the announcement of a proposed mosque near Ground Zero in New York City.
Oh you can try Abdul, but we got eyes on your falafel loving buttocks and you're not about to put anything over on old Uncle Sam while there's juice in the Amigo battery.
Since the distinctive dome shape went up, church leaders said they have received phone calls from concerned neighbors who've mistaken the building for an Islamic mosque.
Ring Ring!

Pastor: Hello?

Caller: Yeah. You the folks buildin' that church out by the innerstate?

Pastor: Yes sir. The Light of the World church.

Caller: Yeah. You ain't none them A rabs er ya? We don't want none o them moosks here in Arizona.

Pastor: Many churches have domes sir. Greek and Roman Orthodox, the Basilica of St. Peters in the Vatican....

Caller: Vatican? You fish eaters?

Pastor: No sir. We're nondenominational.

Caller: What's that? Like Presbyterian or something?

Pastor: Or something.
Church officials hung a sign reminding people they're Christian congregation. "We're trying to let people know that we're Christian and our churches are modern," said Uzieo Martinez.
 Martinez? This some sort of church for illegal aliens? Bertha! Charge up the Rascal!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Every once in a while we read stories by a professional journalistic reporters and we think, did some freak sunspot break the rhetorical bonds between subject and object? Did the humble scribe mistakenly hit the "scramble" key when she mean to hit save. Is there a lax drinking at work policy at The Dogs.com?
Greyhound Racing NSW Stewards have concluded their inquiries into a report received from GBOTA employee Mr Richard Abarcherli alleging the use of a live animal in the catching pen of the Wentworth Park greyhound track after the conduct of the trials...
OK, so far no big deal. Overlord throws a living rabbit into a pen full of greyhounds. Happens all the time. We mean, these are highly trained athletes. How else you gonna get them to chase  a lure unless you let them kill and dismember another living creature from time to time? Gotta keep your edge, you know? Besides, the rabbits don't really suffer. Well, after ten or twenty minutes or so.
Mr Abarcherli alleged the use by Mr Bell of a rabbit released from a box as a lure for two greyhounds handled by Mr Bell and Mr White at the conclusion of a trial. Mr Bell argued that the rabbit used was procured from a person off the track and was deceased upon purchase, tethered and placed in the box as a normal educational practice for the greyhounds.
Oh yeah, you bought a dead rabbit. What do you think this is? A Monty Python skit?
Having regard to the serious nature of the alleged offence Stewards felt that the standard of evidence did not reach the level whereby a charge under the Rules of Greyhound Racing could be sustained.
Now, as professional educational technicians, we have to tell you if that sentence construction were anymore passive it'd make Huckleberry Hound look like Brian. And the "standard of evidence did not reach the level...?" The rabbit was alive, and then it was dead. Are we missing some nuance in the law here?

Prosecutor: "Your honor, the rabbit was found dead in the pen tied to a stake. Why tie a dead rabbit to a stake? We would have done an autopsy but parts were scattered all over the yard."

Defense: "Your Honor, we have it on good authority that the alleged rabbit was despondent over the collapse of his marriage and may very well have entered the pen willingly and against the wishes of my client."

Prosecutor: "Objection your Honor. The rabbit had everything to live for. He had just signed a long term contract to provide Easter Bunny Services to the biggest mall in the area."

Judge: Gentleman, this is truly a conundrum. I doubt we'll ever get to the bottom of it. Case dismissed. Now, who wants pie?"
Mr Bell was ruled to have no charge to answer. He was reminded however to acquaint himself with the rules regarding lures used at various tracks as it was alleged that he had been in breach of the recommendations for lure presentation at Wentworth Park at that time.
Wait, this was a procedural case? You mean there are some tracks where it's OK to throw a live rabbit to the dogs? Mr. Bell just violated protocol? What, he didn't give the rabbit a sennibari before he tied it in the pen? Didn't teach the rabbit to squeak Ave, Imperator, morituri te salutan first? Are we missing something here?

Well, on the bright side, since we already know the overlords don't care a wit for the welfare of the dogs at least it's comforting to know that there's an innocent living creature that they care even less about. Got to take your victories where you find then, huh Molly?

Like Busy Bee, Molly is fresh off the track and we don't know a lot about her other than she's two years old seems to tolerate cats. The dogs are coming off faster and faster now as the industry enters its final death spiral and it taxes the resources of all those people out there who have souls. If you can help, we'd all appreciate it--particularly the dogs, whose lives you would be saving. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

In Which Ironicus Admits To Befuddlement

OK we're a little confused. If the last election was (yet another ) election about change, then what kind of change are we looking for? To wit:

We accept being groped by minimum wage GED recipients at the airport, yet we are up in arms over loud snack packages.

We are fine with 10% of the population sucking 90% of the wealth out of the country, but we get upset if someone tries to encourage people to use less destructive and expensive modes of transportation.

We go along with having our houses repossessed on a whim, and even given back to us and repossessed again, but we hit the barricades if someone tries to vote off a mediocre dancer from a  TV show.

We tell all the pollsters we want politicians who look out for the little guy then elect politicians who don't have a problem with putting families in the street.

We stop our racist attacks on the president only long enough to say they aren't racist.

We allow Glen Beck out in public.

Now, we'd be the first to admit that we don't always attend to the nuances of our fellow citizens' arguments, nor are we adept at cogitating out the minutiae of complex policies, but given that caveat we still have to say America, WTF?

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Louisiana! Motto: Ain't No Monkeys In The Bible

You know, we think the folks in Louisiana might be on to something. We mean, you look around the average classroom today and what do you see? Bored students. Now some might think this is because of a curriculum disconnected from anything that has meaning in their lives; over emphasis on discrete recall high stakes tests, and the current pedagogical assumption that students are all identical empty vessels onto which educational technicians attach information as they roll down the educorporate assembly line.

Nope. That's not it. See the deep thinkers in Louisiana have figured out that when a student opens a math book, what do they see? Math. Open a history book, get history. Bore. Ing. So what they'd like to do is make it so when students open a science book they get...Jesus!

Cement headed religious busy bodies contend some biology I, biology II and other school books under scrutiny  for public classrooms put too much credence in Charles Darwin’s theory of evolution. "Well of course since science books are written by scientists they're going to have a bias," said Winston White, of Baton Rouge. "all that experiment this and data that makes it tough for those of us home schooled all the way to the sixth grade to get some of that, what did you call it? Credence stuff. Yeah. Give us our credence too. This is America and we've got as much right to credence as that Darwin feller."

“It is like Charles Darwin and his theory is a saint,” said White, who apparently didn't learn evolutionary theory or verb subject agreement. "What about our saints? Don't they deserve equal time?"

Darrell White, who is the father of Winston White and is  co-founder of the Louisiana Family Forum, said the proposed biology textbooks he reviewed fail to meet the thinly veiled attempts at pushing religion into public school classrooms spelled out in a 2009 law aimed at confusing classroom talks on the theory of evolution. "The Louisiana legislature said it was OK for us to take this state back to the 1800's so that we could adequately prepare our young people to live in the 21st century." he told reporters. "All we're saying is let's get started."

“If this was a beauty contest, we have got all ugly contestants in these biology textbooks,” White said.

OK, let's see if we've got this straight We shouldn't learn about evolution because Darwin is a saint. An ugly saint. Now, he might have something there. After all, if they canonized Scarlett Johansson we'd pretty much believe anything she told us even if she wasn't canonized, but that's probably why no one ever asks us to be on textbook approval committees.

In written comments to state officials, David Mathers, of West Monroe, said he would “like to see intelligent design explained as an alternate theory to the theory of evolution. I'd also like to see donkeys fly, democrats stand up for their beliefs and the Cubs win the pennant.”

Now, see it's that explaining that is really a drawback for us," White said. "Once you get past 'because the bible says so' we really don't have much."

We feel your pain Mr. White. What if you got Scarlett Johansson to say because the bible says so?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

When He Said He'd Fight For Affordable Healthcare He Didn't Say For Who

Well, that didn't take long.
Maryland physician Andy Harris (R) just soundly defeated Frank Kratovil, one of the most endangered Democrats on Capitol Hill going into the November election. And he did it in large part by railing against 'Obamacare' and pledging to repeal Health Care Reform. But when he showed on Capitol Hill today for an orientation for incoming members of Congress and their staffs, he had a different question: Where's my government health care?
"What? You think I took this job for the salary?" he asked when confronted by reporters.

Harris created a stir at the orientation meeting by demanding to know why he had to wait a month after he was sworn in in January for his government-subsidized health care to kick in."Hey, I got a pre-existing condition," Harris said. "Insurance companies won't touch me."
After responding in a huff, he even asked if there was some way he could buy into the government care in advance, seemingly thinking there might be a government program similar to the so-called 'public option' championed by progressive Democrats in 2009.
"Well, the thing I didn't like about the public option was that it was, you know, 'public' if you get my drift."
During the campaign, Harris told voters, "the answer to the ever-rising cost of insurance is not the expansion of government-run or government-mandated insurance but, instead, common-sense market based solutions that ensure decisions are made by patients and their doctors."
 Well, in representative Harris' defense he's not asking for an 'expansion' of government insurance," an aide told reporters. "I mean, no matter who got elected they were going to get government health care, right? Besides, what 'free market' about a public option? Public means everybody whether you deserve...I mean whether the insurance companies can afford you or not. No, that's not it. Let me get back to you."

Friday, November 12, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog are familiar with the sharp cry of wounded dreams...er...we mean are familiar with the overlords' collective gasp when once again, the curtain of obfuscation, deflection and deceit  is pulled back revealing a pitiless Gollum-like creature, devoid of all compassion, kindness, empathy, indeed all that makes one human.

In other words, overlords being overlords.

Now, as we've reported before, when it comes to the attention of people with souls that the gap between the care the overlords say they give to the units...er...dogs, and the care said greyhounds actually receive is, oh let's be conservative and say about a parsec wide, all the little overlord apologists scurry out from under their rocks to sing a chorus of One Bad Apple and declaim that they are about to visit the very wrath of god upon the aforementioned miscreant. Which they do, after they've thoroughly wetted the noodle of retribution and prepared it for the wrist slap of righteousness. Well, unless said miscreant is Herb "Dutch" Koerner of Hays, Kansas, or Ursula O'Donnell of Florida, then it's like what violation? Do you see a violation? There's no violation here. Move along please. See, there's bad apples, and there's APPLES, man!

Well, it turns out the latest overlord not to get the memo that he's supposed to...um...reduce his inventory quietly and out of sight of the public is Ron Williams and since his last name isn't Hays or O'Donnell the animal exploitation industry has risen up its mighty wrath to smite this evildoer. First up, Gary Guccionne, NGA Executive Director. Unleash Mr. Guccionne, smite at will:
“Ron Williams will never register or race another greyhound in the United States,” said NGA Executive Director Gary Guccione.“We can make that promise today.”
Dude, the guy killed all his dogs, so unless you're going to let him enter his neighbor's bichon friese in the next race, he's pretty much done with you anyway. Nice job stating the obvious though.

OK, let's try a different tack. How about see no evil, hear no evil, speak...well, two out of three isn't bad.
These dogs are kept in better living conditions than most middle-income families. They're given the best and cleanest water, only the best meat products, vitamins, food supplements and immunizations. Their shelters are heated in the winter and cooled in the summer. The only time they're in kennels is at the track under 24-hour care.
Now, we don't know what kind of middle income family you might be familiar with there Mr. Overlord sir, but we have yet to read of families trapped helplessly in their houses, mass starvation, flea and tick infested corpses in any of the suburbs around here. Also, we think we'd notice if any of our neighbors were walking about with their throats duct taped. If that's nothing out of the ordinary in your neighborhood, maybe you should consider moving.

Of course there always that good old standby, ignoring reality. After all, you have to expect that when you put the overlords in a tough spot, they're going to come with their A game. Right Jim Blanchard, vice president, National Greyhound Association?
The greyhound racing community dedicates millions of dollars each year to greyhound welfare and adoption programs.
Darn! If only you'd dedicated millions and twenty dollars you could have bought those 37 starving greyhounds some food. Oh wait,
Both Greyhound Pets of America's Emerald Coast and Ebro tell trainers they will take any dogs that trainers can not relocate or adopt out. The group also offers to supply food for trainers in need.
 Hmm...maybe you ought to take some of those millions and invest in a phone or something huh? You know, then you could called someone who cared.
Rigorous standards for breeders and kennel operators are strictly enforced, with lifetime expulsion from the sport for serious violators.
Oops. Sorry, we inadvertantly cut off the last part of that quote. It should read "...with lifetime expulsion from the sport for serious violators unless you're Herb Koener, or Ursula O'Donnell."
It should be obvious to anyone with an ounce of common sense that greyhounds must receive proper care in order to compete at their best.
Now, as far as we know, Mr. Blanchard's head did not explode after writing that sentence. We do have to report, however that the industrial strength, super reinforced irony meter we use here in the marbled halls to help us pick our blog topics has exploded and now lies in smoking ruin on the rec room floor. We need to clean that up, can you take it from here Jesse?

Jesse is very friendly, affectionate, and loves everyone. He wants to be near people. He will follow his family around the house. He loves being petted and will lean against you for attention. He likes to snuggle. He is happy; his tail wags often. He is playful and energetic. He likes to play with toys. Jesse would do well in a single family home with well-mannered children. He can jump a standard 4’fence, so he needs a home with a taller fence or with someone who would leash walk him. He would be great in an active working family home that will exercise him regularly. He would make a great jogging buddy, as he has more stamina than most greyhounds. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

And Moses Said Unto the Pharaoh, "Let My Parts Per Million Go"

You know, back when we elected Osamabama and  realized our life long goal of putting a Muslim socialist fascist Kenyan in the White House and finally bringing Sharia law to the US and forcing confederate southern Americans to gay marry aborted babies, we briefly considered closing this blog up.

Silly us.
A Republican congressman hoping to chair the powerful House Energy Committee refers to the Bible and God on the issue of global warming. Representative John Shimkus insists we shouldn't concerned about the planet being destroyed because God promised Noah it wouldn't happen again after the great flood.
OK, see here's the thing Shimkus: grown ups who have obtained responsible positions in the real world and thus are called upon to act in a logical and rational manner should not be believing in this stuff. Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy, they all get dropped by the wayside before puberty, but invisible sky daddy, ruler of the universe with nothing better to do than meddle in the affairs of one dorky planet out in the boonies of the galaxy? Yeah, that's a keeper.
Speaking before a House Energy Subcommittee on Energy and Environment hearing in March, 2009, Shimkus quoted Chapter 8, Verse 22 of the Book of Genesis. He said: 'As long as the earth endures, seed time and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night, will never cease.'
Yeah, well that's the problem isn't it there Johnny boy, making sure the earth, you know, endures and all. You, um, grasping any of this?
The Illinois Republican continued: 'I believe that is the infallible word of God, and that's the way it is going to be for his creation.
Guess not. Hmm, well how about this: If god is going to handle all this anyway, why bother being on the House Energy Subcommittee on Energy and Environment? Why not just go sing a hymn, or play some golf? Buy an SUV.  You know, let Yahweh deal with it.
The Republican is a vocal opponent to President Obama's American Clean Energy and Security Act of 2009 - the so-called 'cap-and-trade' Bill, aimed at limiting carbon emissions.
Ah, we see. Now, we're not bible scholars or anything but we think we would have noticed the part where Jesus said unto the multitudes Thou shalt not cap and trade.
He added: 'Today we have about 388 parts per million in the atmosphere. I think in the age of dinosaurs, when we had the most flora and fauna, we were probably at 4,000 parts per million. There is a theological debate that this is a carbon-starved planet — not too much carbon. And the cost of a cap-and-trade on the poor is now being discovered.'
Yeah, the guy who believes a 2000 year old book full of self contradictions, additions and translations by innumerable individuals is the "infallible" word of god is now going to lecture us on paleoclimatological theology. You'll excuse us if we remain skeptical. Also confused. What kind of "theological" debate can you have about carbon? How many parts per million can you get on the head of a pin?
Shimkus, who has served on the committee since 1997, will likely be competing against Texas Representative Joe Barton and Michigan Congressman Fred Upton for the leadership.
Joe Barton and Fred Upton? Those are our choices? Cripes, where are the Pleiadians when you need them?

And one more thing: How come we had to read about this in a British paper? Were all the American reporters sitting in their offices waiting for a Tweet from Sarah Palin or something?

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

By Those Who Can't Write, For Those Who Can't Read

We're coming to you today from the Bad Penny Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The Bad Penny Department is a division of the Couldn't Care Less Corporation in in partnership with Talk To The Hand, Inc.

George Bush has written his memoirs, or more precisely, someone has written George Bush's memoirs for him.

George W. Bush, thankfully invisible since he left the White House nearly two years ago, farted in public with the release of a memoir defending his "war on terror" and the Iraq invasion. "I bet I'm the only guy to write a book that never read one," the ex-president told a group of senior citizens at a Dallas Denny's, the first stop on his national book tour.

In the hefty, 500-page--most of which have words on them--"Decision Points," Bush wrote of his errors in the Iraq campaign and the failure to find weapons of mass destruction, which international intelligence reports strongly suggested Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had obtained. Well, except for the international intelligence reports that strongly suggested Iraqi President Saddam Hussein had not obtained weapons of mass destruction.

"No one was more shocked or angry than I was when we didn't find the weapons," Bush's ghost writer wrote. "Of course I was just shocked and angry instead of dead or disabled like a lot of people in Iraq, not to mentioned what I did to our soldiers and their families, so I guess you kind of have to look at things in context."

Asked by NBC if he considered apologizing for the mistakes, the former president said he has not.
"Apologizing would basically say the decision was a wrong decision," Bush said. "Now that's only something you would expect if I'd known what I was doing, you know, had some minimum level of competence or something. See, this is where being a completely sociopathic idiot comes in handy."

 He insisted "the world is better off without Saddam Hussein in power, as are 25 million people who now have a chance to live in freedom" in Iraq. "Of course all those people we killed and all those families we tore apart and all those people whose lives will never recover as a result of me bombing the snot out of their country aren't better off, but hey, omelet eggs, you know?"

Bush meanwhile defended his decision to allow "waterboarding" of terrorist suspects by claiming it prevented deadly attacks in Britain, according to an interview promoting the book. He said information obtained using the interrogation technique -- which simulates drowning -- helped prevent planned attacks on London's Heathrow airport and Canary Wharf. "I believe that decision saved lives," the former leader told the paper. "Of course I'm a drunk and a drug addict who also believes the invisible sky father told me to run for president, so you should probably take that into consideration."

Bush confesses that he did not respond as effectively as he could have during the Hurricane Katrina crisis, which people with IQ's above salt water view as the low point of his low point presidency. He said the photographs now seared in public memory showing the president looking out the window of Air Force One made him seem detached and uncaring.  "I was really sad to see all those darkies standing on their rooftops, but I had to get to John McCain's birthday party. Being president means making the tough decisions, you know?"

During the middle of his book tour, Bush is to attend a November 16 groundbreaking ceremony for the George W. Bush Presidential Center at Southern Methodist University in Dallas.The center will be the official repository for thousands of crossword puzzles Bush completed during cabinet meetings during his presidency.

Monday, November 08, 2010

Cripes It's The Pope Again. Turn Off The Lights And Act Like We Aren't Home

A while back we told you how Teh Benedicto was getting a little honked off that people who lived in countries where the literacy rate was above 20% weren't forking over the shekels like they had in the past. Whose bright idea was it to teach the peasants to read anyway?  Pesky education.  So you're thinking right about now his Pradaness is going to go all jihad on some secular buttocks, but that's not really his style, you know? Besides, the imams have cornered the market on busting heads for god so he's stuck with showing up wearing the drapes and doing that passive aggressive shtick.
Pope Benedict XVI spent this weekend in Spain trying to reclaim one of the most important Roman Catholic strongholds. During his visit, he surprised Spain with strong words against what he described as “aggressive secularism” on the part of the government that since 2004 has legalized gay marriage, relaxed abortion legislation, and eliminated compulsory religious education in schools.
 Hey Hey ! Ho Ho ! Equality and Freedom have got to go!

That probably sounds better in Latin.

And actually it's equality, freedom of choice, and an end to forced indoctrination in schools, but let's not quibble about details.

“The cash flow of modern Catholicism comes mostly thanks to Spain," the pope said. "That Torquemada was the bomb, no? I'd like to see a couple of you limp wristed Nancy boys tell him you want to get married."

But it is also true that laicism, a strong and aggressive secularism was born in Spain, as we saw in the 1930s,” the Pope said. "Where's Franco when you need him, huh?"

“The Church opposes all forms that negate our cash flow and supports everything that supports the natural order of me on top, the rest of you keeping me there,” he told the 6,500 people inside Barcelona's Sagrada Familia church, almost a fifth of them awake.  We also support Visa, MasterCard and American Express," the pope added.

But the low turnout to see Benedict XVI on his second visit to Spain as pope seemed to illustrate his concern that Europe is shedding its Catholic roots. "If I want to see clowns in fancy costumes I'll go to Cirque de Soleil," said one resident.

Crowds of in the tens of thousands sometimes seemed to only slightly outnumber the vast security detail that closed off much of Spain’s second-biggest city, and many streets along the papal route were nearly empty. "Well, in the pope's defense, Barcelona was playing Real Madrid that afternoon," said one cardinal who asked to remain anonymous. "I caught it on the TV in the Limo from the airport. One nil, christ what a match!"

Also, small, unusual protests such as a gay "kiss-in" by couples as Benedict XVI waved from his vehicle drew the ire of loyal Catholic followers. "There's way too much tolerance going on around here," said an official of the popes' entourage. "It makes his holiness uncomfortable."

Socialist Prime Minister José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero was conspicuously absent and only met the Catholic patriarch for a private meeting in the airport minutes before he returned to Rome. "Hey, I'm a busy guy,"  Zapatero said. "You think my sock drawer is going to organize itself?"

Mr. Zapatero decided to pick fly dandruff out of pepper throughout most of the pope’s visit and publicly wouldn't shake his hand, highlighting the tense relations with one of the Vatican’s closest traditional allies in Europe and the fact that the pope has a tendency to steal your watch when you shake his hand.

The Catholic Church has great perks here, starting with around $9 billion annually in different forms of direct and indirect government funds from tax revenue to financing of religious schools. The Spanish Church is the second biggest property owner in the country, trailing only the government. 

Hey, you think the homos are being aggressively secular wanting to be married and all, try messing with popey's $9 bill and you'll see secular aggression like you ain't never seen secular aggression before. Just saying.

“Spain is a bastion of the Catholic Church in Europe. It doesn’t treat all religions equally. It has preferential treatment for the Church and the pope wants to keep it that way,” says Ferran Requejo, a political science professor in the Universidad de Barcelona. "Look, the guy's tailor is Omar the tent maker, but that don't mean he don't know the value of a buck," he added.

Spain is not officially secular, as most rational states are. Rather, it is legally neutral in terms of religion, implying it is a faith-based state. In practice that has translated into huge benefits for the Catholic Church that leaders from other religions, namely Muslims, Protestants, and Jews, say are unconstitutional because they are discriminated against when getting access to government aid and public space. "This is like freaking Jesus Mary and Joseph Incorporated around here man," said one imam who asked not to be identified. "Allah deserves a little taste too, now and then. That's all I'm saying."

In Santiago, Benedict XVI met the leader of the main opposition Popular Party, Mariano Rajoy, who has promised to turn back secular laws passed by the Zapatero government if elected.When asked if the church was trying to meddle in internal Spanish political affairs, an official from the Vatican Office Of The Preservation Of The Faith, Accounting Division said, "Well, we aren't. But Jesus is."

Friday, November 05, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Still don't feel much like dealing with the overlords. The body count at Ronnie Williams' death kennel and murder emporium is up to 45 and will probably go higher. Most were starved to death and some had duct tape around their throats which would have made it hard to breathe.

How is it possible for a so called human being to be that depraved, that degenerate, that much of a deviant and not have anyone notice until now? I went home last night and sat in a chair watching my greyhound, passed out peacefully in his favorite spot and thought how much better off he is that he will never know about this atrocity, never wake up in the deep night and wonder how something like this could happen in a civilized society, never wonder where the next Ronnie Williams is.

He'll never know. I can't forget.

Silver is happy and loves attention. She is confident, outgoing, friendly, and well mannered. She will approach you lean against you and loves to have her neck scratched. She will under her foster mom’s computer desk to lie on her feet. She is a bit on the shy side, but is warm and loving when she gets to know you. She loves squeaky toys and loves to run in the yard. She likes to steal your socks as you are putting them on and she will also steal slippers. She takes the new found items to her bed. She is playful. When she catches a squeaky toy, she will catch it with her paws and her feet, like a seal. She has a hard time understanding when the squeaky toys no longer squeak and will continue to work on them to try to get them to squeak again. Silver is happy in the crate, lounging around the house, or laying flat out in the grass in the sun. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Silver would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog.

Let's do two dogs this week out of respect for all the dogs we'll never get to feature.

This is Busy Bee. She just came into the system and we don't know much about her except that she's 3 1/2 years old, still alive and now will stay that way.

For more information about these dogs, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

  If you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Even if you can't adopt a rescued greyhound, or don't live in a racing state you can help stop the next Ronnie Williams by helping the people who have committed themselves to ending the horror of greyhound racing. Visit Grey2K for information, to volunteer or contribute.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Ronald Williams Is A Murderer

I'm stepping out of character today to tell you Ronald Williams is a murderer, a mass murderer, but he probably won't go to jail because he was only doing what the heartless, brutal industry he works in always does.

Ebro, Florida - Ronald Williams, a trainer of greyhound racing dogs at Ebro Greyhound Park was arrested Friday by the Washington County Sheriff's Office in the death of 37 dogs. The dogs were found dead in the kennels by the Florida Department of Pari-Mutuel Wagering.
He left them there knowing full well without care they would die slowly, painfully, and alone in their flea infested, filth ridden crates. He left them and walked away.

An investigation began when Williams delivered eight underweight dogs to Greyhound Pets of America's Emerald Coast group. Both Greyhound Pets of America's Emerald Coast and Ebro tell trainers they will take any dogs that trainers can not relocate or adopt out.
 This was a premeditated act. Even before the track closed Ronald Williams was abusing the dogs he supposedly cared for, dogs this savage industry tells us over and over again are important investments of time and resources, highly trained athletes who are given the best of everything so they can perform at the highest levels. Just like members of the family they say.

They are liars, each and every one of them, barbaric, callous, black hearted liars.

The group also offers to supply food for trainers in need.
Help was available, yet Ronald Williams did not take advantage of it, instead he deserted more than 37 living, breathing innocent creatures, leaving them to die, unnecessarily, meaninglessly in intolerable conditions and with salvation only a phone call away. A phone call he refused to make.
Ebro is cooperating with the investigation and have stated they are shocked and appalled by the tragic situation.
 They are liars too. The only thing they're concerned with is if any of this will blowback on them, will affect the blood money they collect from the suffering and death of blameless, trusting, helpless animals.

If you come to this blog on Fridays you know I often mask my anger at the racing industry with sarcasm and irony. It is the way I wrap my head around the fact that there are people on this planet who profess to be fully functioning human beings and yet are capable of such mindless savagery, such pitiless barbarity, such remorseless evil.

Ronald Williams is one of those people, but because he only murdered helpless dogs, cruelly, unsympathetically and without mercy, he murdered them, though his calculated, cold blooded abandonment as surely as if he'd taken a gun and shot each one, he'll be treated more as a wayward child than the soulless, cold, calculating monster that he really is.

There is no hell deep enough for a person like Ronald Williams.