Friday, July 30, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging (greyhound racing)

It's Public Service day here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Public Service day is a regularly scheduled event starting today and until we forget in which we provide for you, our most esteemed and respected reader(s) service. OK so it's not the most imaginative title we've ever come up with, but the point is it's high time this blog had some redeeming social value say what?

Now, since it's also Friday Hound Blogging day (ignore the change in the headline, we're doing an experiment with our friends at Goggle. Science!) Anyway, since it's also Friday Hound Blogging day we thought a nice public service for our reader(s) who may not be as familiar with the overlords as we are would be to help them understand overlordspeak. See, when you make your living doing something that would send most people screaming for the exits you have to develop a sort of language doily if you will, to place over the festering pustule of heartless cruelty and merciless brutality you call, so that people who actually have souls are not traumatized by your presence.

So, with the assistance of overlord Jim Blanchard, of the National Greyhound Association who has graciously volunteered to pen a missive for us to use as an example we present for your education and edification, The Ironicus Maximus Guide To What The Overlords Are Really Saying When They Try To Convince You All the Mistreated, Injured, Abandoned And Murdered Greyhounds Aren't Really  Mistreated, Injured, Abandoned And Murdered.

The title's a work in progress, but anyway, Mr. Blanchard?
The July 17 letter from William Kalinak ("Will Iowa Be Last to End Dog Racing?") contained inaccurate statements about greyhound racing in Iowa.
TRANSLATION:  The July 17 letter from William Kalinak ("Will Iowa Be Last to End Dog Racing?") hit the nail right on the head so I'm going to try and confuse you with a verbal cha cha.
Greyhounds would not be able to compete successfully at the track without adequate exercise or proper care.

TRANSLATION: Greyhounds would not be able to compete successfully at the track without adequate exercise or proper care, but they really don't get either because we just run them until they don't win, them dump them for a fresh set. It's called inventory management.
Greyhounds are turned out for exercise at least four times daily, which is more than sufficient to preserve their health and physical conditioning. As anyone who has adopted a greyhound will tell you, greyhounds live to do two things: run and sleep.
 TRANSLATION: FOUR TIMES PEOPLE!!! FOUR TIMES! Sure they're in a three by five crate the other twenty hours of the day, but all they want to do is run and sleep. Eat, play, feel safe, have attention paid to them--forget that stuff. What do you think they are, dogs?
Injury rates in greyhound racing are extremely low, with injuries occurring in fewer than one-half of 1 percent of all starts. The vast majority of injuries are minor, allowing the greyhound to return to competition within a week or two.
TRANSLATION: Instead of talking about the injuries we like to talk about the injury rates, see because that's numbers and we're hoping you'll forget that each one of those numbers is a living breathing innocent animal that is being needlessly hurt or killed so we can make our trailer payments. Besides, The vast majority of injuries are minor, allowing the greyhound to return to competition within a week or two where they stand a good chance of being injured again.
At present, there are 24 tracks operating in seven states, including Iowa. Animal rights groups are working hard to ban greyhound racing in all of them.
 TRANSLATION: Umm...Hey that's true, just the way he wrote it. Mr. Blanchard must be getting tired.
Many of the same groups are also working to put an end to livestock farming, hunting and fishing, biomedical research, zoos, circuses and even the breeding of pets.
TRANSLATION: Look, there's no way on god's green earth we can actually defend an industry built upon the callous destruction of innocent living creatures, so we try to scare you into thinking you won't be able to buy a steak, or the pet police will be coming for little Fluffy. It's all we got man, give us a break, OK?
Does Iowa want to be one more state letting animal rights extremists dictate the industries that will thrive and which will be banned?
TRANSLATION: Does Iowa want to be one more state where people like us actually have to go out and work for a living?

Well, we hope this has been helpful to those of you not familiar with the ways the overlords try to explain to you that black is white and up is down. We'd like to thank Mr. Blanchard for providing our example today and without further ado, introduce you to this week's guest of honor, Jesse:

Jesse is very friendly, affectionate, and loves everyone. He wants to be near people. He will follow his family around the house. He loves being petted and will lean against you for attention. He likes to snuggle. He is happy; his tail wags often. He is playful and energetic. He likes to play with toys. Jesse would do well in a single family home with well-mannered children. He can jump a standard 4’fence, so he needs a home with a taller fence or with someone who would leash walk him. He would be great in an active working family home that will exercise him regularly. He would make a great jogging buddy, as he has more stamina than most greyhounds. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Gives A Whole New Meaning To How'd You Like To See My King James?

We're coming to you today from the We Report You Decide Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WRYD is a division of the Would It Be Irresponsible To Speculate? It Would Be Irresponsible Not To Corporation in partnership with Separated At Birth LLC.

Allow us to draw your attention to this little snippet of information that oozed out of the intertoobz the other day:
The Islamist rulers of the Gaza Strip have ordered lingerie shops to display more modesty.
It seems the Imams' whiteys have gone all tighty because the wimmez are like, we're going full metal Victoria's Secret on your hookah smoking buttocks.
Hamas-run police force has told stores selling women’s underwear to remove scantily-clad mannequins and any posters of racy undergarments. “These measures have stemmed from complaints and pressure by ordinary people. They have to do with upholding our traditions,” police spokesman Ayman Al-Batniji said.
Yeah, we can sympathize there Ayman. Ever try to ride a camel with wood?

OK so you're thinking what's the point Ironicus. Everybody knows these Mohammedan guys are  full on manly men who like to blow themselves up so they can go to heaven and have 72 virgins because, you know, virgins don't have a basis for comparison and whatnot.

Right. But Eurotophobia is not our point. This is.
The Modesty Survey is an exciting, anonymous discussion between Christian guys and girls who care about modesty.
See, in America we don't do anything without running it by a focus group. So let's see what anonymous Christian guys and girls who care about modesty have to say to one another.
The overwhelming response to the idea of a modesty discussion confirmed its importance. Some Christian girls have fathers or brothers to provide godly input on their attire, but many more have none.
And we all know which category those girls in the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition come from, do we not? Can we get an amen here? Also, dads tell their daughters what to wear? That could be somewhat...erm...problematic. And.
One of the purposes of The Modesty Survey is to allow Christian guys to express their gratitude to their sisters in Christ who strive to dress modestly—to let them know that their efforts are both noticed and appreciated by their brothers in Christ.
Hallelujah to that brothers and...well, brothers. Do you know how hard it is to ride a camel Honda with wood?

Now if we could just get Sears to quit sending out that racy catalog, we'd be in business.

PS: That girl on the Modesty web site is wearing a veil. Does this mean christian guys are going to start blowing themselves up at local Walmarts?  Henh henh. We said blowing.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Dog Is God Spelled Backwards. Coincidence? Better Be (Now With Update!)

Normally we don't like to agree with people who were born with a broomstick up their heinie, however, in this case, given the theological ramifications of the event, we feel obligated to concur with the reaction of the offended parishioner, a Mrs. Pissantonia Q. Buttinski we believe was her name.
St. Peter’s Anglican Church has long been known as an open and inclusive place.
So open, it seems, they won’t turn anyone away. Not even a dog. That’s how a blessed canine ended up receiving communion from interim priest Rev. Marguerite Rea during a morning service the last Sunday in June.
See, as current non-practicing catholics who have non-practiced  to the point where we just don't give a  dry fart we have to say Pissantonia has a point. You see there are two extremely fundamental and complex theological issues here that the Reverend Rea has chosen to ignore.

Well, three if you count that fact that she's a women doing a priest's job. What's up with that? Anglicans! Another cult, right Tennessee Lt. Gov. Ron Ramsey?

Anyway, as any catholic worth his or her scapula will tell you, dogs don't have souls which means, in the church hierarchy they're even lower than well...Lutherans. But don't take our word for it, let's consult an expert, Doctor Richard Geraghty, who has a PhD, we're not really clear on that, but no matter, the dude knows his souls
One principle is that all living things have a soul. Here soul is defined as what makes an organic body live. Now when any living thing dies, its soul is separated from its body. In the case of plants and animals the soul goes out of existence.
 Boom. And ipso facto, dominus vobiscumm, e pluibus unum  there you have it. No soul, no heaven. Sort of like Jews, but we digress. Need more proof? Take it away Dr. Geraghty, PhD sir:
But in the case of man, the soul remains in existence because it is a spiritual or immaterial thing. Consequently, it differs from the souls of animals in two important respects. First, it is the seat of intelligence or reason.  For this reason a man is held responsible for his actions in a way that animals are not. Secondly, the soul is immortal.
 Can't argue with the logic. People souls: spiritual and immaterial. Dog souls: some sort of recycled plastic we believe. Also, "the soul is immortal." So congregants, the lesson is the soul is immortal. Except when it's not. Now, if that's confusing to you it's because you don't have a PhD like Doctor Richard Geraghty...PhD. Also, since man has "intelligence or reason" he gets to pick which immortal souls are immortal so if he had picked dogs' souls over his, that would sort of be the definition of lack of "intelligence or reasoning" what?

Which brings us to the next theological issue, since dogs don't  have a soul god can work with, what happens to old whole wheat Jebus if he gets dropped on the tongue of canis familiaris?Frankly we don't know what sex the aforementioned quadrupedal parishioner is, but if he was a male...well, would you want to drop the sweet, sweet unleavened savior on a tongue that been licking its own balls?

It's obviously something Pissantonia didn't want to contemplate.

Update:  The boss went home early today so rather then spend the rest of the afternoon playing Evony we did a little checking into Doctor Richard Geraghty's graduate studies in the Soul. Is you is, or is you ain't immortal department. Here's what we found:

Dr. Richard Geraghty is professor of philosophy at St. Joseph’s House of Pancakes Studies, the college-level facility of the Franciscan Missionaries of the Eternal Word and Carwash, at EWTN. Prior to coming to EWTN, Dr. Geraghty taught philosophy for 18 years at the University of Dayton, Providence College, and St. John’s College Seminary. Student who took Dr. Geraghty's class remembered him as one of their teachers. Dr. Geraghty earned his BA in philosophy at the University of Dayton, an MA in English from Ohio State University, and his MA and PhD in philosophy from the University of Toronto.  By then the war was over and the draft had ended. His thesis was entitled "The Object of Moral Philosophy According to St. Thomas Aquinas."

And what is  The Object of Moral Philosophy According to St. Thomas Aquinas Dr. Geraghty? Making sure no one has to worry about stepping in a pile of dog poop while walking the golden streets of heaven, my son.

Yeah. Wonder what St Francis of Assisi thinks of old Tommy's idea.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

Now, usually when we read a letter to the editor that starts out "I am deeply saddened by the action of the New Hampshire Legislature and our governor in banning greyhound racing from the state..." we expect it to end "because now I'm going to have to go out and get a job and what kind of a market is there for a third grade dropout with personality disorders?"

Not so with the missive penned by overlord Karen Keelan though. No sirree. She knows she's part of something bigger, something special.

As someone whose family has been involved in this sport in New Hampshire and Massachusetts for many years, I took great pride in our race tracks when we managed to get through a card without having to stop for injured dogs. I was proud that our family-run businesses were contributing hundreds of low wage no benefit jobs, millions of dollars in payroll and tax revenues sucked off social security rubes two dollars at a time, and great entertainment for people who loved watching greyhounds run. Well, more specifically loved betting on greyhounds running. Hey if you just love watching them stay home. I got bills, you know?

I also took great pride in our greyhound adoption programs, which were among the most successful in the industry. Working with dozens of dedicated volunteers, we made sure that every retired greyhound found a loving adoptive home.Well, except for the ones who were shipped off to other tracks when they quit winning here, were injured and euthanized, or sold for medical research, but no system is perfect, right?

But best of all, I had a chance to work with the most amazing dogs in the world and then dump them when they couldn't turn a profit. Even when our track was losing money, which was most of the time, I loved my job because, well it wasn't really my job since the greyhounds did most of the work and took all of the risk. I was raised to appreciate, respect and care for them as long as they were earning money, and I always will miss sucking my trailer payments off their innocent backs.

Greyhound racing in New Hampshire is history now, but state residents should not be deceived about the reasons. It wasn't about greyhound injuries, which occur in fewer than one-half of one percent of all racing starts. It wasn't about greyhound care at the track, which must be first-rate in order for greyhounds to race at their best. It was about the fact that the industry treated innocent living creatures like disposable lighters for years and then lied about it, tried to cover it up, change the subject or blame the victims and attack those foolish enough to try and bring the public's attention  to this institutionalized animal cruelty that was the heart of greyhound racing.

Or it could have been about economics. In recent years, gambling competition has greatly increased. Greyhound racing has found it difficult to keep up with the explosion in high-tech casino gaming and online wagering. This made us easy targets for animal rights extremists looking to ban greyhound racing completely. Also the fact that slot machines aren't sold for medical research when they can't perform anymorelike greyhounds are  might have had something to do with it.

Animal rights groups won't stop there, however. New Hampshire dairy, egg and meat producers will be next on their hit list. So all you farmers out there keeping your cows in three by five crates for up to 22 hours a day, all you poultry people making your chickens race on unsafe tracks, and all you cattle people feeding your stock 4D meat, you better watch out.

Crap Red, she's figured us out. Now our plan to turn the whole world into Vegans, starting with the greyhound racing industry will have to be rethought.

Red Light is a little shy but very affectionate. She likes to shadow her foster mom around the house. She is playful and puppy-like. She has comical ears that stand in different ways. She wants to nuzzle and touch her foster mom with her nose all the time. Red Light would do best with a family with someone home more often. She is good with other dogs and she would probably be fine as an only dog. She would do best around children 10 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

In Which Ironicus Counsels The Pope

Hey, let's go see what St Peter's boys have been up to recently. That wacky bunch o' Gregorian chantin', Prada wearin' Mel Gibson wannabes--you never know what hilarity will ensue when they set out to explain why stuff that would get you or us sent to jail until the big JC returns is, for them, just a bit of an internal dust-up if you will--and you must 'cause they're all about god and things, you know? Don't go talking about that crime and punishment stuff with them. They know Latin, which is god's native language, and besides, there's no way you're going to start putting guys in prison who aren't afraid to go out in public wearing the drapes.

So, when last we visited The One True Church And Don't You Forget It World Headquarters--or as we like to call it Zona Crepusculi--the gang was puzzling over the deep theological ramifications of having a priesthood full of pervs.  Now, since these guys are like, holy and stuff, we would imagine this occasioned no small amount of praying for--oh stuff like guidance, wisdom, better lawyers and whatnot.

Well, it looks like the Canis Magnum was listening because they've gone and figured it out.
The Vatican issued a new set of norms to respond to the worldwide clerical abuse scandal, cracking down on priests who rape and molest minors and the mentally disabled. The norms extend from 10 to 20 years the statute of limitations on priestly abuse and also codify for the first time that possessing or distributing child pornography is a canonical crime.
 Yeah, umm...we're not theologians or anything, but we think we might be able to simplify this for you a bit. See, when crimes are committed out here in the non-dead language speaking segment of the world we have this little procedure we follow which most people simply refer to as Calling The Police.
But the document made no mention of the need for bishops to report abuse to police and doesn't include any "one-strike and you're out" policy as demanded by some victims' groups.
 OK you're not grasping the concept here which is pretty odd considering how much time you spend telling other people what they can and can't get away with. Let's see if we can break it down for you. Out here in the part of the world that has to work for a living we have these things called laws which are sort of like your Ten Commandments except that no one really covets their neighbor's slave, ox or donkey anymore.

Now,, as you are fond of telling people, when someone breaks a commandment sky daddy is all like, "Well all righty then little miscreant. Go ahead and have your fun now...but when you croak expect the holy rod of righteousness to come upside your head. Forever." Which is totally passive aggressive if you ask us. That's not our point, but we believe it is the source of your confusion.

See, your shtick is all "Sin now, pay later," but out here in the part of the world that is...well...the world, we're all "Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."  Which brings us back to our original  point: When you catch a priest doinking the altar boys, no need for deep theological introspection and meditation, just remember these three easy steps: Call. The. Police.

We hope this clears up any confusion over the matter. We know you really are good people who want to do good and are good at heart. Further, we can all agree there there is nothing worse than someone who abuses his position of trust to take advantage of innocent children, right?
The document also listed the attempted ordination of a woman as a "grave crime" to be handled by the Vatican's Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, just as sex abuse is.
Sweet Snowbillie Jebus on cross country skis. You know what? You need to find those guys, those monk guys, the ones who took a vow of silence. Put them in charge.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, despite our socialist, fascist Muslim president, this is still America and even though the overlords make Tea Baggers look like rocket scientists, they still do have the right to attempt to carry on a meaningful conversation. Or as close as they can get, being limited to words that name concrete objects in their immediate environment and grunts which may indicate emotional states, or digestive discomfort, we're not sure.

Anyway, the Constitution says they still get to talk which is why this article concerns us a little.
The Iowa greyhound racing organization is engaged in political activity and should be barred from receiving state dog racing promotion money, a national greyhound advocacy group said.
Come on now, national greyhound advocacy group. The overlords have just as much a right to try and affect the outcome of the political process as anyone else. Sure it's a bit of a difficult task to convince people with souls that mistreating, injuring and killing innocent animals so poor people can lose the rent money two dollars at a time is a worthwhile activity, but the rules say you have to let them try, right?
Under Iowa law, the commission annually awards money to a nonprofit group for research, education and marketing of dog racing in Iowa, including public relations and other promotional techniques.

See? "Public relations." That means convincing people that animal exploitation is fun for the whole family and "promotional techniques are also very important in the political arena. You know, things like making stuff up? Ignoring the facts? Lying? Everybody does it. What's your beef anyway, national greyhound advocacy group?
The law specifically says the recipient "shall not expend the funds on political activity or on any attempt to influence legislation." Christine Dorchak, president of Grey2K USA, wrote in a letter to Iowa regulators that the Iowa Greyhound Association has retained at least four lobbyists.In addition, the association has used state promotional money to publish a newsletter to promote and encourage referendum and legislative lobbying campaigns, which in turn seems to prompt campaign contributions by its members, she said.
Oh. Yeah, well listen, we're sure it's just some sort of misunderstanding. We mean, "political activity?" That can mean anything, right? Heh heh. Come on Officials with the Iowa Greyhound Association clear this up for us, will you? What do you say guys? The animals rights wackos have really gone out on a limb here, right?
Officials with the Iowa Greyhound Association didn't have an immediate comment.
Umm...All right. That's OK.  That's fine because if they did have a comment it would probably be that the animal exploitation industry spot of greyhound racing has always lived up to the highest ideals of professional  conduct. Right Amy Willis and Gerald Rhodes?
Two Jacksonville greyhound trainers are facing possible sanctions after their racing dogs tested positive for tiny amounts of cocaine early this year. The dogs were randomly selected for urine testing at separate events in January. Charges from the state’s division of Pari-Mutuel Wagering followed against trainers Amy Willis and Gerald Rhodes, who race greyhounds at Orange Park Kennel Club.
Oops. Heh heh. Hey, wait a minute. It's not their fault, right attorney, Leonard Chesler?
Chesler said it’s too soon to speak to the facts of the cases, but he believes one rule puts dog trainers at an unfair disadvantage. They’re held responsible for their animals’ welfare on race days, but the dogs are surrendered to track employees 1 1/2 hours before a race, Chesler said. “If you’re prohibited from watching and caring for an animal, it’s very difficult to protect them, if not impossible,” he said.
 Darn straight. Can Amy and Gerald be held responsible for the drug addicts, common criminals and low lifes that populate the tracks? Can you really expect the greyhounds, or anybody for that matter to be safe in an environment like that? We mean, a lot can happen in an hour and a half when the dogs are with people like that.

Wait a minute. This isn't really helping our argument is it Sentinel Editorial writer?
Throughout history people have fashioned all sorts of ways to be entertained by animals, some more awful than others. Dog racing belongs to the latter category, and to their credit the New Hampshire Legislature and Governor John Lynch have now effectively banned the practice in the state.
Aw...that's a little harsh don't you think? Isn't there anyone willing to stand up for the overlords? Oh look, commenter Dog Walker.
"I used to walk the dogs at Hinsdale and not once did a see any cruelity (sic)... If races are no longer held, will the species continue if it serves no purpose?
 Well, there you have it. If Mr. Dog Walker didn't see any cruelity then what cruelity could there have been? Plus everyone knows greyhounds are the oldest breed of dog in existence. They're found in the bible, literature and art going back thousands of years, so if they're no longer needed to help the rubes lose the rent money and keep the overlords out of the labor pool, what other use could they possibly have?

Hey Jack. Now that your life is over, what are you going to do with the rest of your life?

Jack is very friendly and outgoing. He is playful, but calms quickly and is very gentle with people. He is a bit skittish around strange new sounds. He loves to be around people. He follows his foster family all around the house. He will lean against you for attention. He loves to play with toys and he will fetch. He will pounce on the toy like a cat would. He is a big boy who doesn’t seem to understand his own size. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program.  Jack would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 12 and up. He would do best as the only dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Democrats! Motto: We're Incompetent, Gonad Free Surrender Monkeys, But At Least We Aren't Crazy

We've been reading the prognostications of several highly regarded members of the pundit class lately concerning the fate of the democratic majorities in the coming off year elections and, depending on whom you believe, it is going to be either a rout, a bloodbath or a massacre.

Now, we were long ago disabused of the notion that people always vote for their own best interests, else how would republicans ever get elected, but coming off eight years of full metal compassionate conservatism we figured it should be obvious even to the most low information voter that the alternative to the democrats is likely to be somewhat less than acceptable if you don't happen to be fat, white and rich. Then we ran across this headline and we really began to understand the deeper meanings of the old cliche' "Name Your Poison."

So, democrats are ready to thrown in the towel on helping millions of their fellow citizens avoid making the local highway overpass their new home address. OK let's make sure we've got this straight. You campaigned on a theme of change and hope, right? Then you won both Houses of Congress and the White House, right? Now you're saying no change or hope because of a few weeks of republicans stamping their feet and holding their breaths. That about got it?

This is the party that produced a president who said "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself?"

This is the party that produced a president who said, “We choose to go...not because [it is] easy, but because [it is] hard, because that goal will serve to measure and organize the best of our energies and skills, because that challenge is one that we are willing to accept, one we are unwilling to postpone, and one which we intend to win.”

Yes, this is the party that produced a Senate Majority Leader who said, "Look at what we had to go through for the last eight weeks," said Reid's spokesman Jim Manley. "The fact is that we have a Republican party that's betting on this President to fail. We'll continue to look at additional efforts to provide help for the economy but the fact is in this heavily polarized Senate, it's very difficult to get stuff done."

Well, why didn't you say so? Of course if it's "difficult" no one expects you to keep at it. We mean, come on, why do you think we elected you in the first place? To make difficult decisions? To attack difficult problems? To overcome difficult colleagues? To do something  not because [it is] easy, but because [it is] hard?

Heck no. That's all much too...difficult.

So you be sure to tell all the voters when you're campaigning this fall that you really wanted to help the millions of people who lost their jobs; you wanted to help the millions more who are about to lose their homes; and you wanted to hold the bankers accountable for driving the economy over a cliff and putting all those people in that position...but it. was. just. too. hard.

Poor babies. Not you. Them:

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Stupid, Mean And Small Minded. And Those Are Their Good Points

OK, here's our question: When hypocrisy comes right out in the open, is it still hypocrisy? Or is it just self centered, sociopathic, often racist, unempathic, over privileged, heartless bung holes finally showing their true colors?

We ask because it seems the republicans aren't even trying to cover up for the fact that they long ago forgot going into Public Service meant, you know serving the public.
The second highest ranking Republican in the Senate doubled down on a controversial statement he made this weekend, arguing in greater detail that tax cuts for wealthy people should never be offset by tax increases in other areas -- but that unemployment benefits need to be fully paid for by either spending cuts or tax increases.
Well, we take that back.  the republicans are serving a public. Just not the public most of us live in, and certainly not the public that has hit upon hard times (Due mostly to republican policies) and could use a bit of a hand right now.

Our point is that people who owe their jobs to a majority vote of the public have, historically been known to, shall we say, mask some of their less than civic minded opinions in the hope that the unsuspecting voter wouldn't find out until after the election. No more.
The sticking point for representative Heller is the extension of those benefits to 24 months. Heller said, “I believe there should be a federal safety net,” but asked, “Is the government now creating hobos?”
 Yeah, you heard right. Heller is afraid that if the government gives you money so you can avoid a second career as a dumpster diver you will forever lose your initiative, forget about nice things like a roof over your head, clothes for your kids and medical care, and give it all up for the sweet sweet ambrosia of abject poverty. Oh, and by the way, don't forget to vote Heller for Congress in November.

Now, if this phenomenon was limited  just to the republicans one could chalk it up to their minds finally reaching the limit in their ability to deal with the stresses of cognitive dissonance because lord knows they've been living in the matrix for quite a while now. See, republican persons, reality doesn't go away just because you choose to ignore it. It sits outside your window patiently waiting for you to take the red pill and when you finally do, it bites you on the butt.

The curious thing is that this new found openess doesn't limit itself to rich, fat white guys owned by richer, fatter whiter guys, it also seems to be affecting the followers of Christ. It seems one, Mike Adams, who apparently is a teacher at a college in North Carolina has lost some of that Mark 12:31 feeling that the big JC was so on about:
When I get back to the secular university in August, I plan to round up the students I know who are most hostile to atheism. Then I'm going to get them to help me find atheist-haters willing to join atheist student groups across the South. I plan to use my young fundamentalist warriors to undermine the mission of every group that disagrees with me on the existence of God.
Well, all righty then. We did a little checking and this Mike Adams fellow supposedly teaches criminology, not theology, yet apparently he has discovered the one true path to salvation, because as he says,  "I plan to use my young fundamentalist  warriors to undermine the mission of every group that disagrees with me on the existence of God." Megalomaniac there much Mikey boy?

Of course frequent readers of this blog have long ago surrendered to mean are very familiar with our comments on the foibles of our pre-raptured brothers and sisters, but the difference here is that Mr. Mike is making no attempt to hide the fact that his version of holiness is just as hate filled, exclusionary and violent as anything dreamed up by that Osama feller.

On the bright side, perhaps all this is the death cry of an outlook that is both xenophobic and arrogantly ignorant and as soon as these dinosaurs shuffle off to the tar pits of history the rest of us can get on with improving ourselves and the planet. On the other hand...Gingrich/Palin 2012!

Friday, July 09, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, it occurs to us here in the marbled halls of IM Central that tracks closing all over the country is probably a pretty big clue to the overlords that the days of freewheeling animal exploitation greyhound racing are coming to an end. But then you add to that the fact that states where sucking your trailer payment off the backs of innocent dogs greyhound racing no longer exists are passing laws to make sure it never comes back again and we had to wonder how many times does the door to polite society have to be slammed in the overlords' faces before it dawns on them people with souls just don't appreciate their company.

So we thought we'd take a little time this week to peek in on an overlord and see how  she's dealing with the fact that people would rather live next to a house full of Jehovah's Witnesses than her.

She curls up with the new pups and doesn't wonder how many of them won't make it to their next birthday. For greyhound breeder Stacy Junk, time spent in the kennel is like going to the bank. “For me, to relax is to lie in there and have them crawling on me and licking on me,” she said. “It’s basically my retirement fund with fleas. People send them here just for the love and attention. Then I send them on to tracks where it's run or die.”

In Iowa this spring, Harrah’s Inc. offered the state millions of dollars to dump  law requiring live racing at Dubuque’s Mystique Casino and Harrah’s-owned Bluffs Run in Council Bluffs. Had it become law, the bill would have guaranteed the slow death of Iowa’s greyhound industry beginning July 1. Although the bill didn’t make it to the floor for a vote because Iowa legislators are so dumb they have to have their shoes labeled "This Side Up" or they can't get dressed in the morning, it isn’t the first time lawmakers have screwed up the issue, and it won’t be the last. To Junk and about 1,300 other Iowans who earn or supplement their living sending greyhounds to an uncertain future, the discussion is about money. It should be about having to earn a living by working for it. Junk, 45, has been an accountant, has operated her own hair salon and has hung drywall. That’s just a few of the hats she’s worn. "Those jobs required, like skill and effort, punctuality and dependability and stuff," she said. "Not a good fit."

“I feel like I’ve finally found my niche because I love what I do, which is pretty much nothing,” Junk said. “A greyhound is born and bred to race and chase.Why shouldn't I make a few bucks off of that, huh?  It brings tears to my eyes just seeing them do what they love to do and knowing I'll be able to make another trailer payment because of it. Well, unless they get injured or killed before, but then there's always another one to put in the mix, so it's all good.”

Gary Guccione, executive director of the National Greyhound Association, said about 3,000 greyhounds per year were adopted in the late 1980s. That number reached 20,000 last year, after holding steady in the 18,000 range for the prior two years. "Course I don't do math too good, so no point in listening to me."

“The adoption groups have been through track closures a number of times now and they seem to be able to mobilize quickly and efficiently, and are far better at picking up our trash than they were a few years ago.  Er, I mean helping us rehome retired racers.” Guccione said. “That’s a far cry from the way it was in the 1980s. The safety net for the greyhounds has really been strengthened. If by strengthened you mean created.”

During greyhound racing’s peaks, Guccione said 50,000 young greyhounds annually were registered to race with the National Greyhound Association, most of where were killed or sold for medical research. That figure has declined to 15,000, as the NGA has recorded double-digit decreases in each of the past four years. The number of euthanized former racers also has fallen because animal rights wackos found out what the industry was up to. While estimates vary depending on who compiles them, they range from about 4,000 to as many as 12,000.

Really? That's quite a swing there Mr. Guccione sir. You'd think an organization who's sole function is to identify, track and record the dogs would have a little better handle on how many are dying each year. Must be that math thing again huh? Well, at least everyone is on the same page about helping the dogs these days, right Carey Theil?

“The one frustrating thing is that the breeders weren’t interested in working with us,” Theil said.

What? The breeders are uncooperative? But, but, they lurve them some skinny dogs, right  Stacy Junk?

“I would like some way, somehow to continue,” Junk said. “We got into this business because we wanted to be Iowa agriculture farmers, except without all that hard work of like, growing crops and stuff." Junk has toyed with the idea of opening an adoption kennel on the farm, but some logistical issues have prevented her from pursuing it so far, mostly the fact that she couldn't dump the dogs off to the tracks when they were a few months old, but instead would actually have to care for them until they were adopted. "I got overhead, you know," she said.

Well, you know what they say...when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Hahahaha! Get it Lemonade? Why you looking at us like that? Oh. Heard that one before, huh. Sorry. Hey, let us make it up to you. What're you doing Saturday?

Lemonade is sweet, a little shy around new people. She is affectionate and she is a quick learner. She will approach and nuzzle you for pets. She follows her foster mom around the house and she likes belly rubs. She gets along very well with the family’s dogs. Lemonade would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She would do best in a home with another dog to build her confidence. She is fine around small dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

St. Hedwig Call Your Office

OK we didn't set out to make this poop on the pope week here in the marbled halls of IM Central, but just as we were getting ready to write abut David "Depends" Vitter and his merry band of misogynists this headline floats across our screen:

How odd, thinks us. First of all, why does the pope need and ally--particularly a German one? Oh, heck, are you guys planning to invade Poland again?  You rascals! And beating orphans? What's next, kicking puppies? Pushing old ladies down? What have you got to say for yourself there padre?
Bishop Walter Mixa of Augsburg has denied the accusations made by four women and two men, and threatened legal action to protect his reputation. "At no time and in none of his functions has Bishop Mixa ever maltreated children," said a spokeswoman for the Bishopric of Augsburg. "[These allegations] are absurd, untrue and evidently concocted with the aim of personally discrediting the bishop."
Oh it is so on heathens. Trying to soak up a little of that sweet sweet pervert cash, huh folks? Not gonna happen. Why, we bet lawyers from the vatican are already on the way to put the legal dominus vobiscum on your lyin' buttocks, right popey?
The pope told a German bishop who resigned amid accusations of physical abuse, sexual harassment and alcoholism that he must take time for silent prayer, treatment and reconciliation if he wants to return to pastoral work.
 Ha! How you like us now, pagans? Think you can push the church around just because we got caught shuffling pervs around like...wait, resigned?
Benedict laid out the terms for Bishop Walter Mixa's rehabilitation during a private audience with the 69-year-old prelate, during which Mixa again apologized for his mistakes.
Mistakes? Padre! What happened to protecting your reputation? What happened to legal action? What happened to your buddy the pope?
The pope accepted Mixa's resignation on May 8, but last month the bishop said members of the Augsburg diocese and two German bishops had forced him to resign against his will, and that he had written to the pope seeking to rescind the resignation. Fresh allegations later surfaced in the German media, including that Mixa was an alcoholic and had made sexual advances toward two priests.
 Sweet Jebus on whole wheat raisin toast, can't you guys do anything without sexy time in there someplace?
"Once he took a wooden cooking spoon and beat me until it broke," said Markus Tagwerk (not his real name), now 41, who lived in the church home between 1972 and 1982. "Then he used his hand. He would shout, 'Take this punishment, child of God!' and 'I'll soon drive Satan out of you!'"
 Um...not quite what we had in mind. Bene, can't you talk to the brother? After all you guys go back a ways, right?
The close links between the pontiff and Mixa are sure to add to the embarrassment felt within the Vatican over the ongoing child abuse scandal. In 2005, the pope appointed his old friend the Bishop of Augsburg. Together with a cluster of high-up conservative Catholics from the pontiff's native Bavaria, Mixa has offered his wholehearted support for Benedict's most controversial decisions, such as revoking the ex-communication of Holocaust-denying English bishop Richard Williamson.
 Yeah, uh...let us get this straight. Whacking the urchins? Take a hike. Denying the Holocaust? Come on down! Criminee bishop Whackmaster, you could be the good guy in all this.
Mixa said he recognized that he had made mistakes "which caused a loss of trust and made his resignation inevitable." He again asked forgiveness, but also asked that "all the good that he had done not be forgotten."
 So right, padre, so right. Can we get an amen from someone? What about you Hildegard Sedlmayr?
Hildegard Sedlmayr, 48, another former resident, told Sueddeutsche Zeitung that when she was 15, the bishop dragged her from her bed and beat her. "He grabbed me by the nightshirt, pulled me up out of my bed and punched me repeatedly on the upper arm. Afterwards it was covered in bruises," she said. 
 Yeah, well at least you weren't raped Hilde dear. Take your victories where you find then, huh?

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

If You Prick Us, Do We Not Bleed? If You Tickle Us, Do We Not Laugh? If You Poison Us, Do We Not Die? If You Trust Us Do We Not Mess You Up?

You know, sometimes we find it hard to shake totally the influence the church catholic had on our upbringing, despite the Stoli and the therapy. As a result we occasionally feel a slight pang, as we did yesterday when bringing you news of the we say contretemps stirring the pope's pot.  Back in the day our local priest was a juice head, not a perv so we missed out on a lot of the...ah...extra curricular activities so many of our brothers and sisters in Christ had inflicted on their private parts.

Anyway, the point is that today we are able to bring you a story that makes up for any implication in yesterday's post that the church may be, well, you know, a racket.
Detectives say they discovered Rev. Kevin Gray, a well-respected Catholic priest and former leader of several city parishes, siphoned roughly $1.3 million from Sacred Heart to pay for a lavish lifestyle usually reserved for the wealthy.
 See? This is for all of you who think the church is full of child raping maniacs bent on using their position to destroy the innocence of trusting young people left in their care by adults silly enough to believe the church hierarchy actually takes its responsibility to protect children seriously. Well, you were wrong. OK, not about the protecting kids part, but about the church being full of skulking perverts part. As you can plainly see by this mainstream media newspaper report, far from being a hot bed (no pun intended) of man on boy action, the church is merely a haven for common criminals.

Feel better now? We do.

Now, you may be thinking, "Hold on there a minute Ironicus, there's no way the church is going to be mixed up in anything illegal without sex being in there someplace. After all, these guys take a vow of celibacy."

Yeah, sort of.
Police say a months-long criminal investigation has revealed the 64-year-old Gray was leading an extravagant double life that his parishioners never knew about. That secret life included male escorts hired in New York, $200,000 in restaurant bills — including dinners at Tavern on the Green — and hotel stays in the lap of Manhattan luxury, expenses amassed by Gray and paid for with the church's money.
Now, before you all get up on your high horse, we feel obligated to point out that Father Gray was not boinking the altar boys--heck he may not have even been boinking catholics as any one of those "male escorts" could have been a Lutheran or something. Add to that he was not taking advantage of his position to score some tail, but was paying for it, just like any red blooded American of any faith, republican or democrat. No harm no foul we say.

Still not convinced? Check this out:
Police believe Gray told his congregation he was battling cancer, detectives have determined Gray has never had cancer. "I think that's how he explained his absence from the parish," said Capt. Christopher Corbett, a police spokesman.
 It's the old "Going for chemotherapy" dodge. Who among us hasn't used that excuse? Sound like a pervert to you? No way. Dude's a stone con man. OK, not up there with Bernie Madoff, but it's hard to pick up on the finer points of bilking the sheep when your training is more  liturgical than financial. Hey, the padre pulled it off for seven years and probably would have gotten away with it altogether if some bean counter at the diocese hadn't been looking for a few extra shekels to cover the legal bills all the real perverts have been running up.

So let this be a lesson to all of you out there who are willing to tar the whole church as a den of pedophiles based on the actions of a few. At the very least there were the child rapists, and the people who protected the child rapists, who weren't child rapists themselves. Now, as you can see by the case of father Gray, the church is just as diverse as any other large group of individuals, say La Cosa Nostra?

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Why Did You Go To The Police Bonasera? Why Didn't You Come To Me First?

We have to admit to another "meh" moment when we read about the catholics in Belgium threatening to kill the anyone poking (no pun intended) around in the church's business. Nothing gets a catholic to go full metal inquisition faster than exposing their lack of catholic values...erm...we mean way in which the Belgian police had conducted their search for evidence of possible crimes of sex abuse committed by Belgian clergy. Yeah, that's better.

Anyway, this reminded us of something we'd written a while back and because we're hungover busy at work, we present it once again for your edification and because it's this or another hour getting frustrated playing Flight Control on your iPhone.

You have to answer for Shea, Carlo. You fingered Reilly and McBride for the Barzini people.

Frequent readers of this blog will note that life is a series of constantly lowered mean will note that we have admitted on several occasions spending our formative years in the benevolent--if somewhat inebriated--care of the Christian Brothers and, in a supporting role as the humorous if somewhat dimwitted sidekick, the Sisters of The Perpetual Ruler Smack which we feel makes us uniquely qualified to comment on this. And our comment is meh. About time.

Hey, the outfit is headquartered in Italy. Hello? Is any of this getting through?

A New London lawyer has brought what is believed to be the first racketeering case against the Catholic Church in Connecticut, alleging that the Norwich Diocese engaged in a conspiracy to cover up sexual abuse of children by priests. The lawsuit says the Norwich Diocese, its former bishop, Daniel (Danny the Boot) Reilly, and its current vicar general, the Rev. Thomas (Tommy Bull) McBride, should be held accountable under the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act — more commonly known as RICO — for conspiring to cover up the criminal conduct of abusive priests.

"Dis is all bogus," Reverend McBride told reporters. "It's harassment 'cause I'm a catlic, and the prosecutor, he got it in for us." When asked to speak specifically about the charges bishop Reilly responded, "I got nuttin to say to youse. Talk to my lawyer."

The complaint was brought by a Connecticut woman, identified only as "Jane Doe," because she is in the Federal Witness Protection Program. Doe alleges that she was molested by the Rev. Thomas W. (Socks) Shea, who was found strangled with rosary beads in his confessional in 1976.

According to published reports and the current lawsuit, Shea was transferred numerous times from the time of the first complaints, in the 1950s, until he was placed on leave by Reilly in 1983. Reilly, who retired as bishop of the Worcester, Mass., diocese in 2004, was bishop of the Norwich Diocese from 1975 to 1994. "He, what can I tell you?" Reilly said. "Socks, he liked the girls. I don't see what the big deal is about. He ain't no fag or anything. You wanna see some fags, check out those Episcopalians. That whole church is a little light in the wrist if you know what I mean."

In addition to citing the details of Shea's history, the lawsuit gives examples of five other cases involving priests who have been the subject of abuse accusations, including the Revs. Bruno (The Bug) Primavera, Robert (Big Tuna) Marcantonio, Peter (Petey Boxcars) Inzerillo, Richard (Richie the Boot) Buongirno and Bernard(The Barber) Bissonnette. In all of the cases cited, according to the lawsuit, the priests were transferred to new parishes after sexual abuse complaints were made against them, at which point they abused again. "Hey, my guys, they work hard," Reilly said. "Sometimes they like to blow off a little steam, you know? Where's the harm in that?"

Under RICO, a person who is a member of a criminal organization, or an "enterprise," that has committed any two of 35 crimes within a 10-year period can be charged with racketeering. Those found guilty of racketeering can be fined as much as $25,000 and/or sentenced to 20 years in prison per racketeering count. "Now, we're not saying the whole catholic church is a criminal enterprise," said attorney Robert Reardon, who is representing Jane Doe. "We only have evidence for the part here in Connecticut."

The lawsuit accuses the defendants of "intentionally, recklessly and/or negligently" concealing the criminal conduct of certain priests, failing to report criminal conduct, obstructing justice, evading criminal investigation, prosecution and liability, bribing victims to keep criminal conduct secret and engaging in mail and/or wire fraud, among other things. "Hey come on, we're priests over here," Reilly said. "Next you'll be accusing us of running a gambling house or something."

Michael (Mikey Scars) Strammiello, a spokesman for the Norwich Diocese, issued a written response to a request for comments. "We cannot comment on active litigation and risk jeopardizing the proceedings," Strammiello wrote. "So fugedaboudit."

When contacted about the suit by bishop Reilly, pope Paul responded, "I understand. You found paradise in America. You had a good trade, made a good living, the police protected you and there were courts of law and you didn't need a friend like me. But, now you come to me and you say "Your Holiness, give me justice." But you don't ask with respect. You don't offer friendship. You don't even think to call me The Mighty Pontiffinator."

Hmm..."Jane Doe" huh? Wonder how you say sleeps with the fishes in Latin.

Friday, July 02, 2010

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Insult To Injury Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. ITI is a division of the You're Ugly and Nobody Likes You Corporation in partnership with Stop Lowering Property Values, LLC.

First a little backstory. Kansas has been the center of the overlord universe since, well since there were overlords. It houses the National Greyhound Association world headquarters in the trailer out  behind the Seven Eleven. Each year overlords gather there from all around the country neighborhood to  praise one another for staying out of the labor market for another year. Also, the Greyhound Racing Hall of Fame is in Kansas. This popular tourist attraction draws tens of people every year and contains many moving tributes to the exploitation of innocent animals.

Now, in what might be an example of some ironicus moving towards its maximus, there has been no greyhound racing in Kansas since 2008. It seems that, even though the people of Kansas might have a few...erm...quirks, when it comes to parasitic low lifes whose only claim to being human is they learned how to dress themselves in the eighth grade, the citizens of the Sunflower State are all like, "Whoa. We ain't coming out there."

Well, now we get to the insult part. Realizing that it wasn't enough that no one in Kansas outside of the overlords and a few drunks was ever going to set foot on a dog track again, the Kansas Racing and Gaming Commission just cold revoked the overlords permit to mistreat, injure and kill greyhounds. Like we said, Kansas is overlord central so that fact that there are no operating greyhound tracks in the state, plus it's now illegal to have them--if there were any in the first place, is sort of like if the New York Yankees were no longer allowed to play in Yankee Stadium.
Mike Deines, spokesman for the Kansas Racing and Gaming Commission said licenses also were revoked for Wichita Greyhound Park, and Camptown Park in Frontenac, Kan., a dog track.   “Currently there are no licenses to run racing in the state of Kansas,” Deines said.
 If you're an overlord, that's gotta hurt.
Several phone calls to The Woodlands for a comment have not been returned. Earlier, Woodlands officials said they had been weighing options, including selling the racetrack.
 Selling? Wow. It's almost like they think no one wants them around anymore, huh Glimmer?

Glimmer is mellow, easygoing, happy, quiet, and affectionate. She will lean on you for pets and will lie at your feet. She is comfortable in all situations. She is happy when visitors come to the home, because there are more hands to pet her. Glimmer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.